Parents should talk to kids about ‘tough stuff’
Q. I think my parents are divorcing, even though they deny it. I blame COVID.
My mom’s a nurse. She took care of COVID patients at the start of the pandemic when a lot of people were dying. She took protecting our family very seriously, especially my grandparents, who are elderly. My dad thinks COVID was created as a political device to make politicians look bad so they would lose elections.
I also blame politics, but until COVID I didn’t know my parents disagreed politically so much. Their anger with each other started with COVID and grew. At first, they argued a lot, then they got frosty to each other. My sister is younger and tried to talk with them. She’d remind them that we were a family, so this political stuff shouldn’t pull them apart. It didn’t help, so she quit trying.
The tension was so intense. I started hanging out at friends and my sister did too. Then, one day, my mom took us to her parents and left my dad at home. After a few weeks, she got an apartment. When we ask her if they’re getting divorced – something neither one of them ever brought up – she says, no, they’re just separating to cool off. It feels like a divorce to my sister and me.
It’s like they think we can’t see and hear what’s happening right in front of us. It’s been nine months. I’m a senior. I leave for college after graduation, but I’m worried about my sister.
I get my parents don’t love each other anymore, but dad and I were close once. Did he fall out of love with us, too? We talk on the phone but he’s cold and distant. When they first started fighting, I heard my mom ask him to go to counseling with her and he refused. He said counseling was a racket to take his money. He picks us up once in a while, and we get takeout fast food, but we’ve not been back to our house since we left. He has a girlfriend living with him. He brought us our things in big garbage bags.
I hate this. I hate that nobody talks to us about this. I used to hope they’d get back together, but now I don’t care.
– 17-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: It took courage to share your story. I’m so glad you did.
Your words support something I believe – children and young people know what is happening around them, even if the adults in their lives pretend things are OK. I believe adults SHOULD talk with their children about tough stuff.
You are not responsible for your parents’ growing apart and you are not able to return your family to the way it was.
Parents don’t always know how to handle difficult situations. When people become adults, they are not gifted with wisdom for all of life challenges. Life is a learning experience. You are 100% correct. Parents should not fall out of love with their children.
I think counseling is not a racket. I think it would help your family. At a minimum, your mom, sister, and you would benefit from talking with a professional counselor.
You and your sister should also talk with trusted adults in your lives, like your grandparents or another adult family member. You are not alone. You are worthy of support.
I wish you and your sister peace.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com