close

Further confessions of a klutz

3 min read

My name is Mike Buzzelli, and I am a klutz.

The first step is admitting it. The second step is when I trip and fall over.

My adventures in Klutz Town started early today. In the middle of the night, I got up and decided to take a leisurely stroll to the bathroom in the dark. Why I thought I could maneuver around the house in pitch black is beyond me. I might as well have worn a blindfold like Sandra Bullock in “Bird Box.”

For the record, I did not navigate around in the darkness very well. I jammed my big toe into a wooden bench, I slammed my face into the partially open bathroom door, and I kicked an empty plastic bin (marked: Halloween decorations) across the room on the return trip.

After the alarm went off, I stepped into the shower before testing the temperature with my fingertips. I just jumped in and nearly seared all of the flesh off my body right down to my skeleton. I could have been packed away in the aforementioned bin of Halloween decorations.

The jolt of lava-hot water hitting my skin was only temporary. I was still bleary-eyed when I went to brush my teeth. I squeezed a row of white cream onto my toothbrush, put it up to my mouth and realized my mistake.

I nearly brushed my teeth with foot cream. The white tubes are identical. Those grainy exfoliants can’t be good for the gums. Basically, I saved myself from brushing my teeth with eucalyptus-flavored sand. In retrospect, I would rather put toothpaste on my feet than put foot cream in my mouth, but it sounds like a no-win scenario in either case.

Side note: If I wash the foot cream from my toothbrush before the brush goes into my mouth, it shouldn’t count as a full point on the Klutz-o-Meter. This was just a “Whoopsie.”

But I digress, like I do. I dressed and got ready to leave the house, thinking, “God knows what other calamities could befall me.” After I checked my weather app, I made a last-minute decision to throw on a hoodie instead of my zip-up jacket. The problem was that I was already dressed to leave the house.

I tried to put the hoodie on after I had placed my glasses on my face. I nearly pushed my frames into my skull as I struggled to get my head through the head hole. Those nose pads on my glasses left a mark. I have two red oval indentations on the sides of my nose. I don’t know how long it’ll be before my skin snaps back into place.

These accidents are preventable. I think my body is moving too fast for my brain. I need to slow down. I know that in my head but not in my feet. If I can get all of my body parts in synch, I might manage to stay upright and avoid trouble for a whole day.

CUSTOMER LOGIN

If you have an account and are registered for online access, sign in with your email address and password below.

NEW CUSTOMERS/UNREGISTERED ACCOUNTS

Never been a subscriber and want to subscribe, click the Subscribe button below.

Starting at $3.75/week.

Subscribe Today