Talking with young girls about puberty
Q. When should I talk with my daughter about puberty? She’s 9 and very curious. I fondly remember attending a class with you about growing up when I was a girl. I remember it was at the hospital. My grandma took me because my mom was sick. She died when I was 11, so I’m guessing the class was before then. My dad and I moved out of PA to live near that grandma, but I still remember you. You helped me feel less awkward talking with both my grandma and my dad. I want to do the right thing for my daughter. Growing up without a mom was hard, even though my family helped me so much. I want her to have a good experience. She’s already asked me about tampons, and I said “older ladies use them,” but I didn’t say for what and I feel like I dropped the ball. I read kids are getting their periods younger. I seem to remember a great book we got in class too. By some miracle, is it still available? Thank you so much. – Grateful mom
Mary Jo’s Response: Losing a mother when young is difficult. Raising your daughter as she reaches the age you were when your mom died may bring back painful memories. Grief is real and has no timeline. Take time for you. I hold space with your loss. I’m here if you want to chat.
Your questions are good ones. It’s an honor to be remembered – I loved teaching those growing-up classes! I taught the first one in 1984!
You are wise. Girls are starting puberty early and menstruation is happening earlier as well. Nine is an excellent age to start this conversation. It should not be a one-time talk, but an open discussion.
You didn’t drop the ball when you answered her question about tampons. Less is more. It’s not necessary to get out diagrams and discuss uteruses and Fallopian tubes and ovulation after a simple question about tampons! Start small. Teach her about her body, more forward to discuss how puberty changes everyone at her age (or a few years later), and ease into periods. What’s most important is you responded. You didn’t say, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
Girls your daughter’s age are all unique, but most are experiencing the first sign of puberty – mood swings! They may also find their feet growing rapidly, so they jump two sizes at the shoe store! New hair growth (underarm and pubic) will happen and she will experience breast budding and skin changes (teach her a nice cleansing regimen). Each girl’s body is on its own schedule, but the average age for first periods in the U.S. is 12.
Teach her how to keep track of her cycle and empower her to accept her body as it matures. Build up to showing her sanitary napkins, explain tampons and menstrual cups, and share she should feel comfortable with whatever she chooses. Reassure her – you will help her.
Your most important messages are:
Her body is amazing and wonderfully made. It will change at the right time for her. Her body is OK. Help her to ease any embarrassment. There’s no shame in these important body parts or in the menstrual cycle.
You are her support. There’s nothing she should hesitate to share with you. You will not judge her, you will listen to her and you will be there for her.
Yes, the book you remember is available. I authored it in the 1990s and revised it several times. The title is “What’s Up as YOU Grow Up?” It can be purchased on Amazon at https://amzn.to/40k7Dob/.
Good luck!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.