When is emotional distress more than typical teen angst?
Q. I read about teens and depression. My daughter just turned 13. How can I tell what is normal moodiness and what is a mental health issue? She was always such an easy child. There were no “terrible” twos or real challenges until now. The slightest thing will set her off, and she stomps to her room. There are times when I see a glimpse of the sweet child she’s been, but then a slight will happen with a friend from school and the storm clouds descend. Is her behavior normal? Should I worry?
– Parent of 13-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I’m so pleased you wrote.
I taught my first childbirth class in 1975, and I think I received my first “is my child normal” question within a month! Parents worry. Does my baby move enough in utero? Is it normal for my newborn to wake up at night? When do most toddlers potty train? I’ve heard many parents say, “Where did my child go?” when asking me about their 13-year-olds. Your daughter is changing. She’s experiencing puberty. Moodiness? Yes, it’s typical.
We’re living in a time when it’s almost impossible to miss headlines shouting about teen mental health. Concern about anxiety among young people is warranted, and there are many reasons teens are depressed. As a parent, you’re wise to sort out what is typical mental distress and distress that needs professional help.
Let’s look at an often-overlooked aspect of teen big feelings – emotional distress is part of healthy mental growth. Experiencing emotional stress over a friendship gone poorly or an unexpected grade on an exam is part of adolescence. Learning to deal with emotional stress is how young people grow and mature.
Accepting your teen will have bad moments doesn’t make it easy when a crisis happens at the end of the day, when parents are exhausted and stressed themselves. Here are some hints to deal with the emotional moodiness of puberty and adolescence.
Listen, listen, then listen some more. Your teen may not share what’s troubling her right away, but be patient, hold space with her without judgment, and wait. Hear her out. Be compassionate.
Let her figure it out. As tempting as it is for a parent to find solutions to a teen’s emotional stress, it seldom works well. Problem solving is an important skill. Mentor her, but don’t supply answers. If she solves the problem herself, with your guidance, she will be empowered.
Help her cope. Just as an infant learns to self-soothe, a teen needs to learn how to deal with life’s stressors. Mindfulness, or even simple slow, controlled breathing, can help. Developing hobbies to distract her and keep her mind occupied might ease tension. Sports are great outlets, as are theater or academic games. Plan family experiences. If you’re local, our Common Ground Teen Center offers daily activities. Encourage whatever brings her joy.
When is emotional distress more than typical teen angst? Be alert for signs of depression, like loss of appetite or changes in weight, deep sadness, difficulty concentrating, loss of energy or increased fatigue, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, difficulty with sleep, or thoughts of suicide. Seek professional counseling if her behavior moves from moodiness to depression.
Books on parenting may add to confusion, but I enjoy Lisa Damour’s “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable and Compassionate Adolescents.” She clarifies the normalcy of emotional distress during adolescence and encourages parents to walk through this time with their teens.
Good luck. As my papa said, “This too shall pass.”
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.