Help kids make good choices with cellphones
Q. I’m not a teen but you gave me wise guidance when I was 13. Now I’m the parent of a 13-year-old and I need your wisdom again. We bought her a phone for her 13th birthday, after hearing “I’m the only one without a phone” for two years! We immediately talked with her about the dangers associated with phone and Wi-Fi use. We trust her, she’s a good kid. We believe we’ve taught her well and have an open relationship. We think she will come to us with any problems. My friend has a daughter the same age and is very strict. She sets tough rules – no social media, no texting, no screenshots, no snapchat, no YouTube. Her daughter is allowed to use the phone only to call home and to call her grandparents. She’s just as strict with computers and other devices. Which of us is right?
– Confused parent
Mary Jo’s Response: What a gift it is to be remembered! Thank you.
Your approach to phone/Wi-Fi use and your friend’s approach reflect opposite parenting styles. You both want to protect your daughters from danger.
Your focus is preparation. We live in the world; by teaching your daughter about possible risks and helping her make wise choices, you prepare her to live in that world.
Your friend’s focus is shielding. She attempts to wrap a fortress around her daughter and guard her from potential harm.
To analyze these parenting styles, let’s change the subject from phones/Wi-Fi use to desserts. Most parents strive to provide nutritious meals for their children.
Some parents teach proteins, carbs, and fats as the building blocks of healthy eating. They involve their children in meal planning and food preparation. They explain healthy foods but also allow for desserts. They trust their children to learn how to make positive food selections.
Other parents protect their children from sweets, creating strong limits around desserts. When these children are unsupervised, it is common for them to indulge in the forbidden treats denied them at home.
Remember your 13-year-old is still the baby you birthed, the toddler with whom you introduced toilet learning, and the 4-year-old you taught ABCs. She’s yours. Create a safe atmosphere. Be approachable. Teach her limits and protect her in a way that helps her make wise choices. Explain why your boundaries are set. Create a contract for phone use with her input. Model wise online use. Communicate.
Parenting is our most important job; no child comes with a manual. We must adjust our parenting to our children’s personalities and needs. You know your child. Take it one step at a time and empower her self-worth. We guide our children to be able to stand alone one day. Helping her make wise choices about phone and internet use is part of encouraging her growth.
Peer Educator Response: Phone use is rampant and what a child watches is not limited to their own phones. For example, the back of the bus and the lunchroom are common places for exposure to adult content. If your daughter is afraid to talk with you, she will not have an adult to process what she sees and hears. Be there for her. Teach her and then trust her.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.