Preparing children for the loss of a pet
Q. We’re having to make a hard decision about our dog. She’s only 9 but has been suffering from health issues for years and they are now suggesting the medicines will no longer work. She’s in a lot of pain. I feel we must make the most humane decision for her. I read “Nonnie Talks About Death.” I’m just not sure if in this circumstance we tell our children before we take our dog to the vet or after. When we put our very old cat down a year ago, we told them and did a photo shoot with her. They got to say goodbye. Any suggestions on how to handle this one? The cat was blind and biting them. The problem is our dog looks normal, but she isn’t going to get better.
– Parents of 5- and 8-year-olds
Mary Jo’s Response: What a tough decision! Pets are part of our families and most of us grieve their losses. I’m so pleased you’re putting thought into how to prepare your children.
Be open and honest. Words matter. Many adults like to soften the concept of death by using euphemisms like “went to sleep”, but my years as a pediatric oncology RN and a hospice nurse taught me it is better to be direct and clear. It’s OK to use terms like “death” or “dying.” It is important for the children to know the dog will not be coming home from the vet.
Depending on your children’s developmental readiness, discussing the reason for euthanasia can help them process. Be cautious, however, to explain the difference between the situation you describe with your dog and one that might occur with a person. Children should know that no matter how ill they become, or no matter how sick a grandparent would be, care will be provided. Euthanasia is not for people, at least in our culture, and they need to know this, so they don’t develop fears for themselves or loved ones.
Just like adults, children benefit from processing the situation ahead of time if possible and saying goodbye in their own way. It sounds like you handled a similar situation with your cat well. The photo shoot was an excellent idea. It creates a tangible memory for the children and helps them deal with the loss. Celebrating good times with their pet may also comfort.
Your dog seems to be less obviously in need of help than your cat was, but explaining her pain cannot be eased and she cannot be made better should help your children. You might say your dog’s body stopped working well.
In “Nonnie Talks about Death,” the child characters make a collage of their pet dog when he dies. They also hold a funeral service. Ritual helps children just as it helps adults. If you believe in the concept of a Rainbow Bridge, this can be comforting as well.
Your gentle messages during the loss of their pet may prepare them for future losses. We are often reticent about talking about death, but it is a universal experience. Less is more, avoid details, and respond to questions with kindness.
In my oncology nursing days, I remember a grandmother who was very ill. At the same time, a family pet needed to be euthanized. To prepare the children for the loss of their dog, and, eventually, for her loss, this brave grandmother asked the parents to create a Goodbye Bag for the dog. The three children selected items for the bag they thought their dog loved, as comfort for the trip to the vet. The children put the dog’s ball, his blanket, and his favorite toy in the bag to comfort him. The oldest child, who was 9, believed in the Rainbow Bridge and heaven (which the parents encouraged). He selected a book for his grandmother to read to their dog when her cancer could no longer be treated. He seemed to grasp the reality of his grandmother’s illness. The parents took the Goodbye Bag with them to the vet. The family told me this gentle but honest preparation for their pet’s death helped their children when the grandmother died a few months later.
It’s also important to show your own feelings to your children. If you are grieving and feel like crying, it’s OK for them to see your sorrow. Your tears will give them permission to cry or share grief. Continue processing with them over time. Let them set the tone. If they seem interested in talking about your dog and your good memories, encourage them to do so. Grief is individual. They each may respond differently to this loss. Hold space with them, no matter how they react, and validate their feelings.
Take care of yourself as well. Making this decision is harsh. Seek support. Thanks for reaching out.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.