Jun 8, 2023 4 min read

Q. My mom and my gram are constantly fighting about me. I never knew my dad and my mom was young when I was born, so we’ve lived with my gram all my life. Then my granddad died and it’s just the 3 of us. At first, I think my gram was a lot of help to my mom. Mom went to college and became a nurse. I guess gram took care of me, but I don’t remember. I don’t know if gram ever was easy to live with for my mom. Even now, she is tough on both of us. I swear it’s as if my gram doesn’t recognize my mom is a grown up who holds down an important job. I’m proud of my mom. Since a year ago, when I turned 16, my gram can’t talk about anything except how I’m too young to get my license. My mom disagrees. Since she works a lot and my gram doesn’t drive much anymore, mom thinks me driving would help out a lot. I think so too. But gram won’t hear of it. Driving isn’t the only thing my gram fights about. My grades are good, but not good enough for gram. I do a lot around the house, like laundry and cleaning, but I don’t do enough for gram. Mom says gram has always been critical, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. Maybe. I think there are better ways to show love than constantly criticizing and fighting. I want my mom to get a place just for her and me. Is that ungrateful of me? My gram is older, but she can take care of herself. Should I talk with my mom about us moving out? I’m tired of feeling stressed at home.

– 17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m proud of your mom too. My nurse’s heart acknowledges and respects your mom’s work. She’s a good role model for you.

Your thoughts are insightful. It’s very possible your gram still sees your mom as someone who needs her support and her guidance. Sadly, she shows her love in harsh ways. You have the right to live in a home where you feel safe.

Communication is a foundation of healthy relationships. You and your mom have difficulty communicating with your gram. Your mom needs to share how she feels, and you need to do the same.

You ask if you should talk with your mom about moving out. Yes, talk with your mom. Start by asking your mom what she wants. An open conversation, ideally when you have private time with your mom, will help you find out how your mom feels. She may believe she owes your gram her presence; she may worry your gram cannot take care of herself.

If your gram truly can care for herself, you don’t need to provide physical care. Leaving may be your best chance for independence for both you and your mom, but you should share your intentions openly with your gram before you move. Your mom has the right to have her own place if she wants it. Graduation will happen in a year, and you may leave in any case. The key is your mom – where does she see herself after your graduation?

Listen to your mom. Respect your gram but be honest. If you don’t move, guidelines for your gram’s behavior need to be established and kept. Take care of you. Seek an environment with less stress for both you and your mom.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.