Learn from past relationship and move on
Q. Is it possible to move on from a relationship without regrets? I ended a year-long relationship with a person I still admire and respect. He just wasn’t right for me. People say you can be friends after a breakup, but we tried it and I felt uncomfortable. That’s when he said it to me. He said he had no regrets about our relationship. I do. I regret wasting a year with someone I’m not going to end up with as a partner. If I’d wised up earlier, I could have had a year with the right person.
I thought I was over him, but I was watching my little cousin and she wanted to watch “Frozen.” The song “Let It Go” was on and I felt like crying. My friends text me every day to see if I’m okay. I need to let this go. How do I do that?
– 17-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: You’re asking me if it’s possible to live a life without regret. The idea of “no regrets” also assumes no accountability. Adulting includes taking responsibility for our choices.
Regret involves words like “I could have,” “I should have” and “I wish” – you said you could have had a year with the right person.
Everyone, regardless of age, chooses poorly at times. When we discover our mistakes or poor decisions, we can decide to reframe the experience, learn from it, and move on, or dwell on what happened yesterday.
For example, you say you still admire and respect your ex. If you reframe the year you spent together, thinking of good memories, you will learn from the experience. I believe dating in high school is practice. We discover what we want in a partner, we begin to understand healthy relationships, and we try our communication skills. We learn to sincerely listen to another person. Reframing a negative experience is one way to process a breakup.
Our first crush or partner is unlikely to be the person with whom we make a life, although some relationships do start young and remain stable. High school relationships often involve two people who are maturing. The likelihood of both people maturing at the same rate is low. At times a relationship ends because people evolve at different speeds.
Letting go of difficult memories is a challenge, and I’m not surprised the “Frozen” song reminded you of moving forward. Talking through your feelings can help. I’m glad you reached out to me, and even happier your friends are supporting you. Remember to return the favor when one of them needs support. Processing your feelings with a counselor can be affirming and help you let go. Be kind to yourself and others.
Peer Educator Response: What you’re going through is perfectly normal. It’s part of figuring out what you want in a partner. Learn from the experience. Most of us have been there. You’ll be OK.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.