Mar 16, 2023 3 min read

Q. I can’t stand this. Two 17-year-olds were killed last weekend in a car accident. I didn’t know them well, but my heart hurts. How can they be gone? Is it strange that I feel so upset about two people I only saw in the halls at school? What do I do with this feeling?

– 15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Your feelings are real and raw. You’re experiencing grief. Grief is a powerful human emotion and part of life. It can be a deep sadness. When we lose someone, we grieve.

Although grief is natural, it may not feel natural to you. You say, “I can’t stand this” – it sounds as if you feel out of control over something huge you wish hadn’t happened. Losing control may be a new feeling and an intense one.

There is no right and wrong way to grieve. There are no rules. I worked with hospice and comforted many teens. Some used humor to cope, others became quiet and withdrawn, some enjoyed the company of peers who felt as they did. Grief is ongoing, but it changes. You will survive these strong emotions.

It is not strange to be upset, even if you did not know the teens well. Since these teens were near your age and you saw them in the halls at school, their loss may make you feel vulnerable. You suddenly think of death as something that can happen to a young person. That can be scary. You are feeling a landslide of emotions, perhaps for the first time. That can be scary, too.

My senior year in high school, a very long time ago, two of my classmates were tragically killed in a car accident. Over 50 years later, I remember.

Here are some ways to handle these big feelings.

Honor your feelings. You may hear people say those who are grieving should be strong. I disagree. I think it’s OK to feel grief, even if it hurts. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to feel afraid. You do not need to hide your emotions.

Seek support. Grief can make us feel lost. Talking with a trusted adult or friend can help.

Simply telling a parent, teacher, coach, or counselor how this tragedy affected you can let these trusted adults know you need support. It’s OK to seek comfort from others. Most of our rituals around death are meant to help us cope with loss. You may want to contribute to a memorial or offer support to the families.

Grief is personal. We each cope in our own way. A trusted adult can hold space with you, supporting you in silence, and offering a listening ear when/if you want to talk. Feelings of numbness, disbelief, anger, and confusion are common. Young people may also feel guilt that they are OK when a friend is gone.

Please remember you are worthy, and your feelings are OK. You are not alone.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.