Mar 30, 2023 4 min read

Q. I’m writing as a mom. My daughter is moodier than she was, but at 14, maybe this is part of puberty? My question deals with isolation and social media. She was a fifth-grader when the lockdown happened. She’s in eighth now. Her teacher tells me all the kids her age are behind socially. I think most people blame this on COVID, but, as a mom, I don’t care why it’s happening, I’m just interested in how unhealthy it is for her to stay in her room so much. She tells me she has lots of friends. I talk with other mothers, and they tell me their kids are isolating more than they like too. Her grades are excellent. She’s a good big sister. She belongs to our church youth group and plays basketball. She tells me her connections online are just as real as my friend group. I want to understand her without judging her. Should I worry that she doesn’t seem to interact socially much in person? Thanks.

– Parent of 14-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you for reaching out. I’m so pleased you seek to understand your daughter without judging her.

You ask if moods are normal at this age. Absolutely, but each young person is unique. Some are moodier than others. I remember a parent in my Growing Up Class responding to my question of “When do you think moodiness begins?” with “At birth?”

She was only half joking. Like adults, some children are more prone to changing moods than others. You have an advantage. You’re her mom. You gave birth to her and saw her through infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, her elementary years, and now she’s a teen. No one knows her as well as you … except, of course, your daughter herself.

Let’s talk about social media. Yes, it is scary and big and constantly changing. Our peer educators teach a program called Respect Online. The focus is modeling how to avoid challenges while using social media. Teaching your daughter the safe and respectful way to be online is important. I’m sure you’ve talked with her about online etiquette and safety. It’s time to listen to her as well.

Is it OK for your daughter to go to her room and spend time online with friends? In her case, social media may be an extension of school and in-person friendships. Life has changed. Teens don’t go to a mall any longer – they connect through apps. Your daughter doesn’t sound emotionally isolated. She’s involved in her youth group at church, she plays a sport, and those good grades indicate she participates in classes. She’s even a good big sister.

Why not explore social ideas with your daughter? She may enjoy an after-basketball pizza sleepover, a trip to a museum with a friend, or shopping. Let her choose. Activities she likes can help bring those online friends to your home. You get to meet her friends and feel reassured.

Continue to listen and communicate. If her moods turn into depression or anxiety, seek support. She sounds like a great young person.

Our Common Ground Teen Center is at 92 N. Main Street in Washington and is open Monday through Friday from 4 to 8 p.m. Our weekly schedule is on our Facebook page. We just started a Wednesday night Chess Club, and our Thursday Cooking Club is great fun. The center is a good place for teens to be social. She’s very welcome.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.