Helping teens cope with death
Q. How do I talk to my son about death? A teen from his school died recently and I cannot find the right words. Are there right words? It doesn’t help that he hardly talks to me. All I get out of him is a lot of fines, and nothing, and I don’t knows. Even if he doesn’t want me to help him deal with this, I feel I must. I’ve never been able to face death well and I want him to feel better about it.
– Mom of 16-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Death is a difficult topic. You’re not alone in feeling uncomfortable. In our culture, I feel as if talking about death is avoided more than talking about sex.
It’s best to be truthful with teens. Tell your son what you shared with me – you’ve never been able to face death well. It may help him to know you feel uneasy as an adult. Often teens think adults act all-knowing. I find it helpful if we are more vulnerable.
Talking about death makes us all vulnerable. I think this is positive. When we are open to our own feelings and fears, we are more likely to be empathetic toward another person’s concerns. Your desire to help your son feel better about death is a strong motivation. It inspired you to reach out to me. I believe it will help you find the strength to connect with him.
You ask if there are right words. In my experience with grief, words are not always comforting. Holding space is more appropriate.
Holding space is a term I learned as a hospice nurse and as a birth doula. In both roles, one encounters intense emotions, when caring for dying patients or easing stress during labor and birth. Holding space means you give the gift of your presence to someone in distress. You may remain silent – you do not offer advice. When we hold space, we are physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting our focus on another person to support them as they feel strong feelings.
Explain holding space to your son. Teens at our Common Ground Teen Center are familiar with the concept. Accept him. Teens can be monosyllabic and keep their distance. Let him know you are interested in him, spend time with him, and articulate the obvious. He is important to you. He is a person of worth. Your job is to empower him to face the future. Death is part of life. As his mom, you want to help him deal with it.
There are many movies where death and grief are portrayed (“The Fault in Our Stars,” “Steel Magnolias,” “Hunger Games,” “Avengers Endgame,” to name a few). They can be catalysts for conversation.
One of the books in my Nonnie Series – “Nonnie Talks about Death” – looks at the unexpected death of a pet and the death of a grandparent. The book is available on Amazon and is meant to be read with a parent or trusted adult.
Connecting with your son about death is worth your effort. This isn’t a one and done talk, but an ongoing conversation. May all go well.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.