Oct 26, 2023 4 min read

Q. I used to think my boyfriend was the best person in the world for me, but now I’m starting to have doubts. At first, at least for the first three months, he was sweet. He’d say nice things about me, he helped me with homework (he’s older than me) and he bought me nice things. He even bought my mom nice things. Then, he started to change. He’d put me down, and when I’d complain about it, he would say he was just joking and I had no sense of humor.

Last night we went out to eat, and he was so rude to the waitress. When I called him out about it, he said something about how he’s allowed to do that because that’s what we pay for when we go to a restaurant, the ability to ‘lord it over someone else’ – that’s what he said. I disagreed, and he got angry. He didn’t talk to me the rest of the night. He dropped me off at home without saying goodbye. For the first time, in the car, I felt uneasy. I think I love him. It’s been five months. Do you think he will return to the person he was? Is my love enough to help him change?

– 16-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Trying to change someone into a different person because we love them is a mistake. If your boyfriend changes, the impulse to do so must come from him.

There are red flags in your relationship. Red flags are warnings of an unhealthy relationship.

You don’t say how much older he is; I would be cautious if he’s much older simply because you’re still in school, and an older adult should not, in my opinion, be involved with a high school student. I am open-minded enough to realize there are exceptions to this rule, but I’ve also seen many older men exploit teens.

Put-downs are not jokes. People who care about us build us up. Once, a 12-year-old wrote on her evaluation after one of my classes: “The most important thing I learned in class today was that when someone hurts you, that doesn’t mean they like you.” Absolutely.

Teaching children to consider teasing, put-downs or harmful behavior as signs of attraction and even love is toxic. People who love us do not hurt us, period.

You were right to be troubled by his actions at the restaurant. I am unhappy when someone is rude to others, especially in a situation where the person is providing a service. This would be a deal breaker for me, even in a friendship.

His reaction to your comments is the strongest red flag. Punishing you for expressing your opinion by silence for the remainder of your evening is disrespectful and manipulative in any situation, but doing so because you called out his rude behavior makes me leery. You say you felt uneasy in the car. No relationship should cause you fear.

I am seldom directive with young people. My role is to empower teens to think critically and problem-solve; however, in your case, I have several strong suggestions. First, do not see him again and talk with a trusted adult, like a parent, teacher or guidance counselor. Be firm. Do not fall for his promises to change. Second, please remember that 12-year-old’s wise words. If he cares about you, he should treat you well. Ending a relationship that is unhealthy is a wise choice. Be brave. I know it may feel difficult to leave him, but do not settle for anyone who does not honor you. You are worthy of respect. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.