Sep 28, 2023 4 min read

Q. What do you do when your mom marries a guy with a son who is horrible. The son is horrible, not the guy my mom married. My stepdad is okay, I guess. My mom and dad split up when I was 12 and I hardly see him anymore, so it’s good to have more than one adult in the house and at least my mom seems happy. It’s just my stepbrother. He’s two years older than me. We could not be more different. He disagrees with me on every single thing, from TV shows and movies to music to sports to politics. I read a lot; he mocks me having my nose in a book. He’s rude. He interrupts me when I’m talking at dinner. He makes fun of my friends. He puts down my beliefs and the way I look. I talked with my mom but she’s all kinds of in love with my stepdad and she told me to just get along with him. I’ve tried. I feel like my home is no longer my home. He’s always there, I can’t be myself.

– 15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I can see how your home feels like it’s no longer yours. It’s important for you to feel at peace there. You’re right to want things to improve.

I think communicating your feelings is your first step. I know you said you spoke with your mom, but it’s possible she doesn’t understand how troubled you are by your new stepbrother’s attitude toward you. Talk with her again. Most siblings disagree at times, of course, but this young man wasn’t in your life until recently and adjusting is difficult.

Once you’ve explained your feelings to your mom, I suggest you both talk with your stepdad. He may facilitate a conversation with you and his son or think of another way to clear the air between you. Have you tried talking honestly with your stepbrother? Be respectful but assertive.

With support from the adults in your family, it should be possible to negotiate some guidelines for respect in your home. We establish guidelines at our Common Ground Teen Center; they set the stage for communication and compromise. Respect, listening without interruption, holding space, agreeing to disagree, and “no put downs” are basic promises the group makes and reinforces. A family is a small community. Everyone in the community needs to agree on the way each person is treated.

In time, you and your stepbrother may become friends, but for now, the minimum environment needed in your home is one where you feel safe to be yourself. You are worthy of peace, and you deserve to be respected.

Change is challenging. I wonder how your stepbrother feels about the changes in his life. He moved into a new home, has a new stepmother, and suddenly is a sibling. If you can seek empathy for the why of your stepbrother’s behavior, you may find insight to increase your awareness of his needs. Understanding your stepbrother does not make his behavior your fault, however. You should not feel stressed, especially in your own home.

If your family cannot find common ground, I suggest counseling. Family therapy would place the responsibility for creating a peaceful environment on a professional.

I hope adjusting to your new family life improves and becomes smooth. I wish you joy.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.