When is the right age for sex?
When is the right age for sex?
Q. When’s the right age to have sex? I’m going into high school in a few weeks, and I haven’t done it. Actually, I haven’t even kissed someone. I’m pretty sure I’m not ready for sex – the thought gives me equal amounts of excitement and anxiety. My dad gave me the sex talk. It would have been funny if he hadn’t been so uncomfortable. When he finished (thank goodness for us both), he told me if I ever had real questions about sex, you were his old sex ed teacher and you were kind and respectful and knew all the answers. So, how can I know? Please don’t say what my grandma said – which was, “Honey, wait until you’re in love and you’re too young to be in love.” Is my dad right? Do you have all the answers? – 14-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I love your dad for saying that; I also feel suddenly very old! No, my friend, I do not have all the answers, but I do have some, and I have an answer for your problem.
You will hear adults give many reasons for “when is the right age to have sex.” Some say you should wait until marriage (this is almost always a religious reason). Some say wait until you are in love. Others say you must be old enough to accept the consequences of sex, like an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection. Still others say you need to be mature. I admit I’m not 100% sure how they define that variable. If maturity means being wise enough to make healthy choices, I fear some adults would not qualify for sex!
These are my thoughts, after over four decades of teaching sex ed:
Know you. The only person who can know if you are ready to be physically involved with another person is you. If you follow someone else’s direction, even if it’s wise, you will be disappointed. First rule before becoming involved sexually – know yourself.
Start slow. Sexuality is a wide spectrum – by that I mean, there are many things people do that are sexual. Kissing is one of them. You mention not having kissed anyone, so, my instinct tells me you’d like that to happen. Kissing isn’t sex, but it is sexual. Even to kiss someone, though, I believe you should consider my No. 3.
Communicate! Can you talk with the person with whom you want to be sexual? By communicating, I mean can you talk about a healthy relationship? Do you trust each other? Can you be your true self with this person? Fake isn’t a good foundation for any relationship, even friendship … which brings me to the idea of being a friend with someone before you become physical with them. It’s often a good idea.
Avoid the “love trap.” Love and sex are not the same. Being attracted to someone is healthy at your age. Lust is the feeling of attraction people have when they meet someone who appeals to them. You do not need to act on lustful feelings, but it’s totally OK to be attracted. The key is stepping back and figuring out if this person would make a healthy relationship for you. Crushes are great; moving beyond a crush takes thought and maturity. By maturity here, I mean the ability to think about your actions before you do them and the skill to reflect on your choices, bearing responsibility for them.
If you feel you’re not ready, then you’re not. I know you feel old, but you do have time. Honest.
It’s no one’s business what you’ve done sexually. Some people lie about their sexual experiences. Try to avoid lying, but you also don’t need to over share. Again, be real and be you.
How will you know? Keep talking with your dad. He may have been uncomfortable talking about sex, but he had the courage to start the conversation. And he must be a great person if he remembered my classes! LOL.
You’re not alone. You have a great dad and a grandma who loves you. Take a deep breath and be 14. Play sports, join school clubs, learn new skills like cooking, and, if you’re local, come to our Teen Center. Enjoy life. Age 14 is wonderful (most days!). Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.