Maintaining, ending friendships
Comment about last week’s column on seeking employment: I heard from a reader who is an alumnus. I think his words are worthy of repeating: “Network. Network. Network. Have a good work ethic, make sure you’re seen, and don’t burn bridges. Maintain those connections, because if the right people see these character traits in you at 15, you have no idea how well that sets you up for when you’re 18 and can talk higher-waged jobs with increased responsibilities.”
Q. My “friend” yelled at me and threatened me. I don’t want to talk to him anymore, but he won’t leave me alone in school and still thinks we’re cool. I’m scared if I try and tell him off, he’ll get violent. How do I approach this situation without putting myself at risk? – 16-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Setting boundaries with relationships is key but not always easy. You’ve started correctly. The sooner you tell this person you no longer want to talk with him, the better. Stick with this. Block his number, remove all contact with him. Be silent; do not respond to him. You have the right to be safe. I wouldn’t be confrontational, but he needs to know how you feel.
You should not face this situation alone. Tell an adult immediately – share your concerns with a parent, teacher, or guidance counselor. They should provide protection at school and at home.
Tolerating threats and being berated is simply not “cool”. He is responsible for the end of your friendship. Make certain an adult knows what you’re facing ASAP. No relationship is worth feeling unsafe. Good luck.
Q. I have trouble maintaining friendships. How do I do that? – 14-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: What an important question! I can answer you as a nurse, educator and counselor and I can answer you as my father’s daughter. I’ll do both. I was exactly your age and going to high school for the first time, when I asked my father about maintaining friendships. I was helping him in the garden, harvesting tomatoes and green beans. My father was a gentle, wise man. He listened to me and then pointed to the vegetable plants. “Why do they grow?” he asked me. I told him we watered them and gave them fertilizer; we weeded around the plants. He smiled and told me friendships were the same. We get from them what we give.
I’ve been honored to serve teens for over five decades. I have a lot more formal education than my father, but his wisdom holds. If you want to have a good friend, be a good friend. Listen to your friends. Show interest in what they enjoy. Treat them as you’d like to be treated. Friendship goes both ways-a good friend will listen and support you as well. I believe everyone needs someone to listen to them and hold space if things are challenging. We hold space with others when we offer the gift of our presence without giving advice or passing judgement.
I also suggest you attend our Common Ground Teen Center (open Monday through Friday from 4 to 8 p.m., located at 92 N. Main Street in Washington). Teens your age make great friends there. You are worthy of a good friend.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.