Lending a helping hand
The house tour came by way of the smartphone.
“Here’s the nice big kitchen,” my son said. “And there’s the breakfast bar.”
“You’ll need some bar stools to go there,” I said, and then we were on to the living room, a large and sunny space with a hardwood floor and one rather tired looking sofa in the middle.
“Pretty nice place,” my son said, and then his face was back on the screen. What did mothers do to stay close to their kids before there was FaceTime?
My son was showing me the house he’s just rented in Kentucky. He made the move from Los Angeles two weeks ago to begin a new full-time job and a new life. I am overjoyed to have him a half-day’s drive and not a gnarly, expensive flight away.
But for him, the move was a mountain to climb: packing up the apartment, arranging the move cross-country (his fiancée will join him in a few weeks), getting accustomed to the new job, buying a used vehicle and finding a place to live.
“How can I help?”
“I’m OK, Momma,” he said – what he always says when I offer help but he really can use some.
This is where the great parental conflict enters: is it better to stay out of it and let our young adult children figure it out by themselves, or is it right and humane to offer financial help?
I opened my Venmo. Of course I did.
Venmo is a phone app that allows parents to send money to their children, immediately. I first downloaded the program when my son started college, and since then 20s and 30s have been flying out of my checking account and into the accounts of both my son and daughter. Occasionally the transfers were the result of a request, as in, “Can you lend me money for shampoo?” but more often I would send the money as a way to calm my own anxiety or loneliness or worry. Bad way to manage mental health, I know.
“I’ll send you some Venmo to help with things,” I told my son. It was more than I’d ever transferred, but this was a big and complicated move for him.
A friend once told me that when their children were fully launched and no longer needed parental support, it felt like they got a raise at work. I’m not there yet with my kids. All it takes to inspire me to send a bit to my daughter and her husband is my trip to the grocery store. Good lord, the cost of food right now. The Venmo app lets me indicate what that $20 is for. Last time, I wrote “veggies.” Who knows if that’s what they actually bought.
The day after the FaceTime house tour, my son texted me.
“You’ll be happy to know the money went to good use. I got a really good mattress.” I pictured a mattress on the floor of the bedroom upstairs in the rental. I pictured his clothing piled in the corner, waiting for the dresser to arrive.
“And with the rest of the money, I bought a rain jacket and some bait,” he said. He and his fiancée love to fish. “The house is near a lake.”
My heart took a little leap as I read that. My kid will go fishing – even in the rain, apparently – and then he’ll go home to a good night’s sleep.
“Thank you, Momma,” he wrote. “I’m OK now.”