‘Hair’ today, gone tomorrow?
Seriously, people, and I mean women: are we now supposed to shave our faces? Have you seen the ads?
Apparently we females have been unknowingly walking around with beards, and people are laughing at us.
It’s all a bit of clever marketing by the cosmetic industry. Finding themselves in need of a new product to sell, the companies had to invent a new problem. Having exhausted sales of remedies for thin lips, thinning brows, large pores, short lashes, gray hair, dingy teeth, freckles, red eyes and my personal favorite, the forehead “eleven,” they resorted to the truly insane directive that we women are just too hairy and, therefore, must shave before we face the world each day.
And of course, the razor we use on our legs will not do. They’ve invented a new beauty procedure called dermaplaning, and for about a hundred bucks, you can buy an electric device that uses sound waves (but mostly just razor blades) to remove not only the peach fuzz but also some dead skin.
“Your facial moisturizers will work better,” they say.
And so I went to inspect my face for my own beardedness. Having not fallen for the “you must have a lighted magnifying mirror” marketing ploy of 10 years ago, I had only my bathroom mirror. But I moved in close. Yes, I have some peach fuzz, mostly on the sides by my ears, but enough to be unsightly? Embarrassing? Or worth a hundred bucks and one more daily grooming step?
And yes, I, too, have fallen into the beauty marketing trap in the past. I bought lip-plumping goo that contained so much clove oil I developed a blister; the eyelash-growth serum worked for a while but made my left eye twitch; the lotion that promised to tighten under-eye bags didn’t really do that and left a weird sandy grit on my skin.
I’m such a sheep. When the first signs of sagging facial skin appeared about 10 years ago, I saw an ad for “face-lift tape” – basically Scotch tape that pulls your skin back and up. The one time I used it (when headed for a night on the town), my right-side tape let loose, causing my jowl skin to sputter and flap like a deflated balloon.
So really, who am I to question the woman who decides her peach fuzz must go and springs for the sonic face razor?
Although I’ve never tried the face tape again, and don’t go near anything chemical around my eyes or mouth, I am not immune to the marketing that suggests I could look so much better, younger, prettier – if only I would buy “this thing.” I color my gray, use whitening toothpaste, and will occasionally put on makeup. I buy a certain pricey taupe eyebrow pencil in bulk because it’s the only thing that makes my brows, and my face, look right. But failing some unfortunate hormone event that gives me a beard, I will not be shaving my face.
I wonder how many of those expensive razors they’re selling. Maybe they really do work and someday they’ll be as much a part of our daughters’ grooming as brushing their teeth. More likely, I suspect those who buy the razors will find the shaving doesn’t make a difference, or that it hurts. And then the beauty companies will have to invent the next beauty problem.
When I was looking for my beard, I was reminded that I’ve always had really big ears. How about lobe tape to pin them back? A special ear-reducing diet plan? I’d be the perfect target customer.