Dec 21, 2024 5 min read

By Dave Bates

For the Observer-Reporter

All I want for Christmas is …

I’ll be brutally honest. I want for nothing. Nor do I really need anything for Christmas. I want to be with my family. I’d like for my dog, Gertrude, to walk around a little less stiff than she has this past year or two. It might be good to knock another 40-50 points off my A1-C sugar level. I hope the last five months of my teaching career finish as enjoyably as the first 34 years have gone.

I might add that I am in no hurry to wish away the remaining five months, either. I’d like to enjoy each day to the fullest. My former history teaching pal, Gary White, also of Khedive, used to say that the problem with school teachers is that they wish away three quarters of their lives. In retrospect, Gary was spot on. I have tried never to let this happen on my watch, but he is closer to the truth than I’d like to admit for most of us in education. We wish away September thru May so that we can get to June, July and August. When we arrive at “back to school” time,the vicious cycle starts all over. It results, for some unlucky folks, in the eventual passing of an entire career of wishing rather than doing. I have tried to embrace every month on the calendar and have gotten busy doing everything I can in that 30-day window before moving onto the next month or the next season. Gary had a lot of other really funny sayings, but none are appropriate for this column. In truth, most would get me fired. But I digress.

So if I were pressed to write a list of semi-material goods – for any outdoorsman, really – to receive as a reward for being on the mostly “nice” list and not waste wishes for pots and pans and skillets for my wife, then It would go something like this:

Alpaca socks – I love alpaca socks. Heck, I love alpacas. But mostly, I love being warm. I’d replace half of my worn out wool socks with alpaca. I might even ask for a live alpaca since it’s my list. My dermatologist was teasing me at my last appointment about wearing my wool hunting socks to the doctor’s office. She’s 12 or 13, I believe, so she understands nothing of “old guy cold.”

Ticket to the SHOT Show in Las Vegas – SHOT is short for shooting, hunting and outdoor trade show. It is the largest trade show in the industry. It is like landing in heaven for the sportsmen. Use your wildest imagination and you probably wouldn’t even come close. It is on my bucket list.

Argentinian dove hunt – For my brother Glenn, my cousin Jim and my buddies, Bob and Mario, I’d like to take a week trip to South America and hunt doves in some swanky Orvis lodge. We’d shoot until our shoulders turn purple. We’d spend half our money on beer and steak and then waste the rest. I hear they even have “dove boys” who gather up the downed birds. A supper of grilled dove breast sounds about perfect.

An Ace Galil AK-47 in 7.62 x 39 caliber by Israeli Weapon Industries – If you have to ask then it’s not worth explaining. I have no earthly idea what I’d do with it but it’s just a cool rifle. Google it.

I might start a home for wayward boys who could only be set back on the path of righteousness by intense tutelage in the sporting arts. I would spend my time making sure they learned how to shoot straight, paddle a canoe, learn to track, cast a fly rod, sharpen a knife properly, etc., etc. We’d build stuff like duck blinds, hang tree stands, and maybe even help old ladies maintain their properties for free.

I might ask to become the United States secretary of outdoor education (I don’t believe there is such a thing). Yet. If anyone knows President Trump well enough, could you put in a good word for me? We would immediately incorporate our “Breakfast Shooting Campaign” which would include huge breakfasts of bacon, eggs, sausage, biscuits and gravy, held at our local church camp and would be followed by .22 rifle classes where Appleseed instructors would teach young boys and girls (and any interested geezers) proper rifle skill at arms. I’m not really sure what else the “campaign” would entail since I just thought it up at this writing session so let me know if you have other great ideas.

I might ask Santa to become a rifle team coach. Never mind that I don’t know anything about competitive rifle shooting but my buddy, Joe Kolat, speaks highly of his new coaching vocation as such.

Neoprene Patch Kit – My hip waders are going on 15 years old and could use some mending. I’m planning on doing more duck hunting in my retirement. The alpaca socks should be sweet inside my waders if I can keep them dry.

A case of cheap penknives – I’d begin giving them away, immediately, to responsible youngsters (with parent permission, of course.)

And, lastly, good will to men and as in the movie Miss Congeniality, world peace. Merry Christmas all.

Dave Bates writes a weekly outdoors column for the Observer-Reporter. He can be reached at alphaomegashootingsolutions@gmail.com