Jul 29, 2024 3 min read

The 2024 Olympic Games kicked off in Paris on Friday, but I won’t be watching. The last time I watched the Games was in 1960, when the U.S. hosted the winter events at Squaw Valley — renamed “Yokuts Valley” in 2021 to remove the derogatory connotations of “Squaw.” The 1960 games prompted perhaps excessive excitement because they were the first to be covered by television. I turned 11 just before the winter Games kicked off that February, and I was fascinated by the ski-jumping and bobsledding that ABC beamed to my parents’ 21-inch TV in living black-and-white.

But by the time the next 1964 winter Olympics rolled around, the Beatles had arrived in America and most everything except music vanished from my radar. Since then I’ve paid attention only peripherally to the Olympics – Dorothy Hamill’s spinning bobbed hairdo in 1976 and the “Miracle on Ice” by the U.S. hockey squad in 1980. Simply put, “Olympic Medalists” is not a category I would choose were I to appear on “Jeopardy.”

So I was on track to ignore the 2024 games when my eyes caught this headline: “Why Olympic surfing events are in Tahiti, thousands of miles from Paris.” I thought, “Because there’s no surf in France.” But like, whoa, dude! That’s bogus!

Google tells me that France harbors several prime surfing spots – perhaps not as good as those found in Hawaii or California but still capable of hosting world-record performances. So why Tahiti? Because Tahiti is located in French Polynesia, and Olympics organizers say they want to “spread the Games across France.” OK. I’ll buy that. And the French National Olympic and Sports Committee (FNOSC) is making every effort to give the events a uniquely French oeuvre.

For example, the official Olympic mascots this year are called the “Phryges” because they are modeled after the red Phrygian cap associated with the French Free Republic. You can Google that, too. The Phryges are cute, all right. But I’m wondering if, to make these 2024 games truly unique, the FNOSC couldn’t have added some events that would make everyone want to go all “Casablanca” and sing “La Marseillaise” en masse. Events such as:

* The Baguette Toss: Forsaking the javelin, athletes run to a line and throw a narrow, 8-foot-long loaf of bread as far as possible. Since it’s never been done, a world record is assured. Are you listening, Guinness? Gold medal if the baguette lands in a tub of butter.

* Instructing Pennsylvanians in the correct pronunciation of city names derived from French locations. For example: “Du-bwah,” not “Du-bois”; “Lee-gone-yay,” not “Lig-a-near.” Gold medal awarded to any team that can convince Pittsburghers to say “North Vare-sigh” instead of “North Ver-sails.”

* Non-violent Storming of the Bastille: Those 900 Parisian citizens who stormed the old French prison in 1789? They were just tourists! Gold medal goes to the first team to erect a gallows. Silver to the team that uses the most euphemisms for “riot.” Bronze to those who stayed behind in a tent while the assault – I mean tour – took place.

*Eiffel Tower Bungy Jump: Hey, if beach volleyball is a “sport”…