Wouldn’t it be crazy?
I was told there’d be no fact-checking of my columns. Great! Because facts are important. So important, in fact, that I’m not above making up stories to draw attention to important issues.
Issues like those lithium mines in North Carolina. Perhaps you’ve heard that the Democrats steered Hurricane Helene through the Tar Heel State to punish Republicans there. But wouldn’t it be crazy if they actually did it to mine lithium?
“Hold on just a goldanged minute there, Skippy!” you say. “There are no lithium mines in North Carolina! And even if there were, isn’t the extraction of lithium prohibitively expensive?”
Of course it is! But what if the government — under the guise of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) — plans to establish lithium mines? First, by bulldozing structures on land devastated by … oh, I don’t know … major flooding caused by a hurricane? Second, by then purchasing said land for a mere pittance. Wouldn’t it be crazy if it were true?
“Pishtosh!” you say. “There’s no proof of any of this!”
Of course, there isn’t! But what if Abraham Lincoln, in his less-well known Mechanicsburg Address, had this to say about facts: “My friends, lack of proof of a theory is the first indication of a theory being, in fact, true! Now … did you know that the Confederacy is being run by Norwegian salmon farmers?”
Makes you think, doesn’t it? And, while you’re thinking, allow me to present more facts as a public service.
* In a video posted to Instagram in September 2023, one month after wildfires raged on the Hawaiian island of Maui, a man stated: “120 million tons of lithium in Maui! I don’t think we need to wonder why they did what they did there and why it happened. It wasn’t an accident, people. Somebody with some money wanted some more money.” From lithium?
Wouldn’t it be crazy if it were true? Lithium, by the way, is used in the batteries of the Tesla electric vehicles being manufactured by Elon Musk, arguably “somebody with some money who wants some more money.” Just sayin’.
* “Freedom2o bottled water is marketed as “Made from Liberal Tears.” A ticker running at the top of the company’s website shows various catch phrases, including: “Water for deplorables”; “This water doesn’t make snowflakes”; and “Everything is a scam.” Sounds like a brilliant ruse concocted by a liberal entrepreneur to make money from thirsty conservatives, right? But wouldn’t it be crazy if the company’s CEO is a Republican?
* An online company is selling meat derived from unvaccinated cows, including “Freedom Steaks.” Some might call this a thinly veiled attempt to capitalize on those in the U.S. who will buy anything that reeks of red, white and blue. But wouldn’t it be crazy if it were true? By the way: “Freedom Steaks” would probably go great with those leftover “Freedom Fries” you’ve had in your freezer since the Iraq War.
* Patriot Mobile: “America’s only Christian conservative wireless provider” — donates a portion of its profits to several patriotic causes — religious freedom, freedom of speech and Second Amendment rights. “Sign me up!” you say.
But wouldn’t it be crazy if God uses Verizon?