Dear Mr. Rooney
Mr. Art Rooney
c/o Pittsburgh Steelers
Acrisure Stadium
100 Art Rooney Ave.
Pittsburgh, PA 15212
Dear Mr. Rooney:
It has come to my attention that you may soon be in need of a new coach for your football team, the Pittsburgh Steelers. I realize that the 2025 season is not yet over and that your dedication to Mr. Mike Tomlin, your current coach, is well known. I think, however, that after your team’s dismal performance in many games this season – particularly on Nov. 9 against the Los Angeles Chargers – you may be willing to reconsider a few things.
Let’s just ignore the fact that in that game your quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, seemed at times to be a deer in the headlights. And let’s even forget that your highly paid defense seems to be playing as if they know that even if you release them at the end of this season, they still will all be millionaires. Those aren’t the real problem.
Let’s jump right to the crux of the matter: Mr. Tomlin has been in Pittsburgh too long. It matters not that he has never had a losing season: He hasn’t won a playoff game since 2016. I think that, in the words of Chuck Noll, it’s time for him to “get on with his life’s work.”
That’s why I’m offering my resume as a candidate to replace him.
I realize that you most surely have never heard of me. That’s not surprising, because I tend to be under the radar of sports fans. But I am, in all humility, a great coach. Allow me to give you a brief bullet-list of my gridiron accomplishments.
*My team went 15-2 last season.
*My No. 1 running back racked up 1,900+ yards on the season and was named league MVP.
*My quarterback – who also happens to be 41 years old – threw for more than 400 yards in each of our 15 wins.
*My defense held opponents to fewer than 20 points in 8 games and never allowed more than 90 yards rushing.
*My lead linebacker had 22 sacks and forced 6 fumbles.
*My primary wide receiver caught 4 touchdown passes in each of 6 games and had a total of 1,506 yards receiving. My No. 2 wide receiver caught a total of 15 touchdown passes and totaled 1,276 yards receiving.
*My kicker made 100% of field goals and never missed an extra point. His longest field goal was 63 yards.
I think these stats speak for themselves.
Yes, it’s true that I achieved them playing EA Sports Madden 26 on Xbox. But still …
Had my console not frozen and failed to save the season to disc, I’m sure I would have plowed through the playoffs and won the Super Bowl! I think I deserve a chance.
As Mr. Tomlin himself once said, “I’ll tolerate you until I can replace you.”
And I think you’ve tolerated Mr. Tomlin long enough.
Sincerely,
Dave “DMoLition” Molter