Parrots of the Caribbean
I’m going on my first cruise in October — to the Caribbean aboard one of the “Margaritaville at Sea” ships associated with the late singer Jimmy Buffet. His followers are called “Parrotheads.” I was never one of them but, on vacation, I can behave as badly as any concertgoer. My partner in crime — I’ll call her “Julie” for this column in honor of the cute-as-a button cruise director from “The Love Boat” TV series — will be with me. That’s good: I can’t swim, and Julie used to be a lifeguard.
I have taken swimming lessons several times since I was a kid, all for naught. I panic if my feet can’t touch the bottom. Someone asked me if I’d had a “near drowning experience” as a baby. Not that I recall, but my mom couldn’t swim, either. Maybe it’s hereditary. Just to be safe, I bought inflatable underwear from Temu.
You probably know that amenities abound aboard cruise ships. Eat, drink and be merry! Especially drink, from what I’ve read. Julie and I aren’t teetotalers, yet neither are we lushes. So we didn’t buy the “Ultimate Beverage Chill” package, which includes “up to 15 alcoholic and specialty” beverages per day, per person. But maybe we should have.
In April a jury awarded a Carnival Cruises passenger $300,000 in damages after she filed a lawsuit saying that Carnival staff served her more than 14 tequila shots in an eight-hour span “although she was visibly intoxicated.” While drunk, she fell down a flight of stairs, suffering multiple injuries. A Miami federal jury ruled in her favor, finding that Carnival was 60% at fault. I guess the tequila was responsible for the other 40%, because 60 plus 40 equals 100 proof. In any case, $300,000 would pay for our cruise easily. Just sayin’.
We won’t spend all our time aboard the ship. We have excursions planned to several islands. I’m particularly looking forward to this one:
The Conquistador Experience – Travel to the ruins of an ancient Mayan pyramid. There you will don traditional Spanish steel armor — helmet, breastplate and greaves — and be given a stallion upon which you will gallop toward hordes of natives as they flee in terror. Finally, you will trap their leader and force his followers to fill a room with simulated gold pieces (available at our gift shops). Then, gorge yourself on maize, roast monkey, avocado (gluten-free menu available) and finish off with our special “Mayan Madness” cocktail — made from the fermented sap of the agave plant! (Limit: 18 per customer.) Need more fun? On random tours, the natives will revolt, seize you and bury you up to your neck on one of our lovely white-sand beaches as the sun sets and the tide comes in. But fear not … the natives will free you if you accept their gods. DISCLAIMER: Tour organizer cannot be held liable if natives do not free you.
I can’t wait! But if any of my fellow passengers is named Mary Ann, Ginger or Gilligan …