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Guide adolescents through puberty with honesty, love

5 min read
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Mary Jo Podgurski

Q. I think I’ve been asking you questions longer than anyone else! We attended your childbirth class – our daughter is 44. When she was 10, I took her to your class about growing up at the hospital. It was a wonderful class and it helped open the door to communicating with her through her teen years. It also helped that you taught her sex ed from middle school to high school graduation! When she went to college and then married, she and her husband moved out of PA. We shocked ourselves by moving to live near her when she had our granddaughter – who is now 10, the same age her mom was when I took her to that class of yours. I’ve checked, and I can’t find a class like that where we live.

My daughter remembers you fondly and is willing to make the trip to PA so you can teach her and her daughter. Please tell me if you’re still teaching the classes. You made it so much fun for the girls and for the moms, yet you covered so many important things that would have been awkward for me to talk about. You even had a book about puberty. One of my fondest memories is the yarn game you played with us at the end. Our daughter is a lot better at this stuff than I was, and she’s already explained puberty to our granddaughter, but we would both love it if you could teach her. If not, can you please tell us how to best have “the talk.” Thank you so much.

– Your oldest student

Mary Jo’s Response: Your email brought me so much joy. Thank you. It also reminded me of my age, but it’s OK. Age is a gift not everyone receives.

I’m sad to share that I no longer teach the growing-up classes. I miss teaching them. They were a lot of fun for me as well, but they were three hours of high energy on my part.

I would be happy to Zoom in with your daughter and your granddaughter for a chat if you like – it would be my honor.

I also think your daughter is the best person to talk with your granddaughter – and she doesn’t need me or anyone else to connect with her about important things. I’m thrilled she’s started talking about puberty. Good for her.

The primary objective when discussing growing up – the main goal – is to empower a young person with three messages.

The first message is how amazing their body is as it changes. Puberty isn’t easy, but it is part of life, and it signifies the body is healthy and maturing. It’s a new change, and change can be scary, but this change is good.

The second message is how unique the young person is. Puberty follows its own timetable. No two 12-year-olds are alike. No matter how/when her body is changing is right for her.

The third message is about the connection between your daughter and granddaughter. Your daughter needs to articulate the obvious. She may know how much she loves her daughter and how she will be there for her, unconditionally, as she grows, but she needs to say those words out loud and mean them. The music behind her words – her tone – must be genuine. There may be times during adolescence when parent and teen do not like one another … that’s OK. The love must remain, as well as communication and compromise and empathy.

These messages are more important than anything else. The health information conveyed should be accurate (fact check and avoid myths), conveyed in a matter-of-fact way, and provided in small, informal lessons. I don’t agree with the idea of a “talk.” Instead, I believe it is much better to weave in information as children grow. Use movies, songs, and what’s happening in the news as catalysts for conversation. Curious young people will ask questions – if they ask a question, they deserve an answer. Less is more. Responses should be gentle but thorough and should not be put off “until you’re older.” Avoid long-winded lectures but inspire conversation.

Show instead of just telling whenever possible. Buy menstrual products and let her touch them and play with the tampons in water. Your daughter should share her personal experiences when she went through puberty. I also believe it’s important to begin explaining sexuality; correct names for body parts are key, as well as honest discussions about sex. Do not limit yourself to what happens to girl bodies. Be open about gender and gender roles. Be open about diversity. Modeling your family values is more important than only words. Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.” Our example is our best lesson.

I still offer the book I gave at the class. It’s called “What’s Up as You Grow Up”; I also recommend one of my 12 Nonnie books for children and parents – “Nonnie Talks about Sex & More.” Both books are interactive, are meant to be read in small chapters by parent/child together and are available on Amazon.

Thank you again for reaching out. I wish your daughter and granddaughter a smooth and joyful adolescence, and I hope you enjoy being a grandparent every day.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.

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