Jan 4, 2024 4 min read

Q. After enduring 18 months of begging, I finally broke down and got my 13-year-old a phone for Christmas. Can you give me insights on how to parent with a cell phone? I had you in high school and you gave me wise advice (please don’t feel old). My daughter is a good kid. I just want to do this right. How do I teach her to use the phone wisely, and, more importantly, how can I assure she’ll listen to me? How much screen time is okay? I know she’s obedient and respectful to me now. My friend tells me she’ll change. I don’t think she will. Will she? – Former student still seeking help

Mary Jo’s Response: Thanks for remembering me. I love hearing from former students. I don’t feel old at all; I feel blessed. Age is a gift not everyone receives.

I am thrilled you describe your daughter positively. If we don’t believe in our own children as they become teens, how will they develop the self-worth they need to make healthy choices and problem solve? Believe in her. Affirm her positive behavior.

You ask if she’ll change – I hope so! Adolescence is a time of growth and of developing/understanding self. She needs your mentorship. You can model the character traits of a wonderful adult and gently guide her there.

Let’s talk cellphones. Congrats on holding out for a year-and-a-half – well done! Here are my hints for new device users:

Set guidelines for phone use right away. Be transparent in the behavior you expect. Model this behavior yourself. If a parent expects teens to not use their phones at dinner, for example, then the parent should strive to avoid distraction from a phone at dinner as well.

Create a contract or agreement. This is easier than it sounds. We have contracts at our Common Ground Teen Center. Attendees sign and their signatures are witnessed. In your situation, you would discuss what you expect with your daughter before she uses the phone. She should give you input. Assure her of your trust in her and explain carefully how difficult it is to re-earn trust. List each standard. Your daughter should initial each one. Set consequences for breaking the standards. Both of you will sign the document. It is witnessed by another trusted adult. Re-evaluate this agreement periodically as your daughter matures.

Safety first. Teach online safety and respectful online behavior, but without exaggerating horror stories. Give her a chance to do the right thing. Talk about the power of words and cyberbullying. Discuss competition for likes and approval on social media. Caution her to protect personal information. She should not meet anyone she gets to know on social media without involving you. Tell her she can come to you with anything she’s curious about or anything she encounters online. Keep your promise to not overreact, even if it’s challenging.

Let’s talk obedience. Teens listen when they are treated with respect. They need to know they will not be punished indiscriminately or unjustly. They need to know adults hear them.

Let’s talk screen time. In 2019. Oxford researchers Drs. Orben and Przybylski discovered it’s not the amount of screen time that matters as much as the quality of time. How we use our screens is more important than how much we use them. They found teens with zero screen time were less connected socially to their peers than those with moderate use. Extreme amounts of screen time detract from schoolwork, sports, and family/friends time, so moderation is key.

Your daughter is still your little girl, only growing up. Enjoy her teen years – they will fly.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.