Fear of change triggers anxiety
Q. I’m so afraid to leave home for school. I told my parents this so much that last night, my mom said I should write to you. Evidently you taught them childbirth classes when my older brother was born. He’s almost 40. I hope that doesn’t make you feel old. I’m all ready for college, it’s not that. I got into my first-choice school, my scholarships are lined up, I have a roommate with whom I think I will be compatible. I love the campus. I purposely selected a college within a few hours of home, so a day visit is possible. I love the course offerings. I know my major – I want to study accounting. I’m not hesitant about it. I believe this is my path and I’m excited. Then, why do I wake up in the middle of the night absolutely terrified? Why do I lie in bed when I’m tired, staring at the ceiling, worrying? I make friends easily and I’m a good friend. I know I won’t be alone. But the thought of not sleeping in my room is scaring me so much. Which is ironic, isn’t it? I don’t want to leave the safety of my own room, but I can’t fall asleep in it. Is there anything I can do to ease this fear before I start having panic attacks? – 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Even though your message to me is serious, your words made me smile. I know I’m old, it’s not a secret. Tell your parents it’s nice to be remembered.
I could tell you, as you said, you will not be alone, but I believe this fear is deeper than imagining yourself in a strange place. Your fear is about change. I think leaving your room symbolizes leaving childhood to you. When our children reach 18, we tend to act as if they must jump into adulthood. In truth, the day we all turn “legal” as adults is no different from the day before our birthdays, at least in our emotional development. It takes time to reach for and grasp adulthood.
The best way I know to address fear is to acknowledge it and share it. Hidden anxiety only festers. You’ve taken the first step by sharing. Another way to ease anxiety is to practice relaxation skills to help face your fear and hold back panic attacks. Develop relaxation skills as a habit before sleep. Deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and visualization can help.
Deep breathing is another way of saying you are centering your body through your breath. One popular breathing exercise I’ve taught for stress is finger count or five-finger breathing. Hold out one hand, palm up. Place your other hand’s index finger at the bottom of your palm. Trace your finger up to the top of your thumb while slowly breathing in through your nose. You may count to three as you trace. When you reach the top of your thumb, slowly breathe out through your mouth as you trace down. Repeat with each finger until you’ve done all five. End with five deep breaths. With practice, simply touching your finger to your palm can trigger stress release.
Visualization is deeply personal. Picturing a positive image or experience can ease stress. I teach a visualization exercise where you imagine a bookshelf containing binders representing your fears. When you need rest, you imagine placing your anxiety in a binder labeled with the fear’s name. You put the fear aside for another day.
Physical exercise during the day can help hasten sleep at night. When your muscles are tired, it is easier to consciously release tension from the day.
Seeing a counselor could help you practice relaxation and give you a professional with whom you can share your fears. Connecting with a counselor at college can also be reassuring.
Kudos to you on your well-thought-out college choice and your major. Not everyone plans so well. I wish you joy and a wonderful college experience.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.