Oct 17, 2024 4 min read

Q. I read your column about friendship last week and wished so much I’d had you to talk with when I was 13. No one seemed to understand how devastated I was when my longest and best friend simply dropped out of my life. I was brokenhearted. I’m a mom now and my children are small – I know one thing for sure, I will be there for them when middle school hits. Thank you for listening to kids. – Mom who remembers

Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you for your email. I mentioned Rachel Simmons’ book, “Odd Girl Out,” last week. Her research shows how deeply relational aggression wounds young people and how long the memories can last. Your story reinforces how painful toxic friendships can be.

You’re right to be there for your children when they hit puberty and middle school; those are challenging times. May I offer a suggestion I’m sure you’re already fulfilling?

Listen to your children now. Listen to toddlers, listen to preschoolers, listen to 10-year-olds. Listen to wildly strange, made-up jokes. Listen to their stories. Read with them daily, even if only for a few minutes. Ask them about the story when you finish – say, “Tell mommy the story now,” and listen to their responses. This may take patience, especially as they mature, and their books are lengthier. I remember a very long car ride when the story of the book “Holes” was narrated by our child and a friend…. I still recall the story line! As they grow, read what they read. Process the books. Watch movies with them and discuss afterwards.

Teens are reluctant to share their thoughts with adults who do not establish trust. Model your unconditional love and listen to truly hear them, now and always.

As parents, we cannot protect our children from pain, but we can provide them with a safe space where they can share their feelings without fear of judgment.

Q. When I read your column about friendships I wondered when some people grow out of being nasty. I’m in my 50s and I just blocked a woman I thought was a good friend. She was backstabbing and foolishly thought the person she talked about me with wouldn’t tell me. Why don’t some women outgrow adolescence? – Frustrated adult

Mary Jo’s Response: Interestingly, I had a conversation with a parent about this problem this morning. She’s angry. Her daughter is in sixth grade and her friends are ostracizing her. As we brainstormed ways the mom could support her child and help her be resilient, the mother said, “I don’t know why I expect 12-year-olds to be kind. I’ve yet to have a decent friendship.”

How can parents prepare children for relationships? Relationships are broader than significant others like boyfriends or girlfriends. Relationships are connections with parents and siblings, teachers and coaches, and, of course, friends. Not all adults were given guidance on healthy relationships and friendships while growing up, and it shows.

Teaching young people communication skills and modeling healthy friendships can help buffer their stress, but it cannot prevent emotional pain. I think the answer to your question, “Why don’t some women outgrow adolescence?” is a little misguided. Negative behavior is not age-linked. I personally know many teens who are mature, respectful, and kind. The key is to surround oneself with those who are mature enough to communicate openly and respectfully. I hope you find common ground with at least one good friend. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.