We’ve got company
I am losing track of the action movie trailers I’ve seen recently. They are sort of all running together in my head. They’ve blended into one big massive movie: “Mission: Top Gun vs. Wolverine and the Batman at the Edge of Tomorrow, Volume One, Part Two, the Way of the Infinity Soldier’s Endgame.”
I have some advice for the action stars out there.
The next time you see the villains running down a corridor and someone says, “We’ve got company,” I may throw a hissy fit at the silver screen. It’s always, “We’ve got company.” I have news for my action heroes, they’re not coming for tea and crumpets. Please don’t put out a charcuterie board for guys with guns. They’re coming to kill you!
Right before the hero says, “We’ve got company,” a sidekick might say, “I have a bad feeling about this.” Listen to that guy! He knows the score. That bad feeling is a warning. He will follow this sentence with, “We shouldn’t be here” or “Something’s not right.”
No, you shouldn’t, but this movie would be so boring if you didn’t go into that abandoned mine, that dilapidated cabin or scary, secret army base.
When roaming the corridors, please don’t listen to the character that says, “Let’s split up,” especially if you’re in a horror movie. If someone is wielding an axe or a chainsaw, do not suggest splitting up, or the thing that will be split up will be your head from your body.
As you’re skulking down the dark corridor someone inevitably says, “It’s quiet. Too quiet.” Yeah. It’s about to get noisy with guns and bombs, or a whole lot of screaming.
Right before the bombs go off and the guns are blazing, someone says, “Cover me. I’m going in.”
There’s always this chestnut, “He’s right behind me, isn’t he?” This got old in the 1940s when Lou Costello tried to warn Bud Abbott about the Frankenstein monster, the Mummy or possibly the Invisible Man. Eighty years later, I’m still hearing the line in the movie theater. When the comedy hero finds a monster, you will usually hear “Hummana, hummana” stammering in the dark.
There’s always the guy who says, “Go on without me,” but his best friend will turn to him and say, “Don’t you die on me.” I don’t want anyone to die on me either. I don’t want anyone to die in the same room as me, let alone on my very person.
If there’s a romantic element, the heroine will say, “Is this a date?” as they are being shot at. It’s not my idea of a date. I don’t even like to go to chain restaurants. I don’t think I’d want to be chained to a bomb that almost explodes. Luckily, the hero will stop it with one second to spare. It’s never two or three seconds. It’s always one.
Next time I go to the movies, I might say another classic, “I’m getting too old for this.”