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Revised Remake – the Sequel

3 min read
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Mike Buzzelli

I have always been a sci-fi guy. If a movie has rocket ships, laser guns, and monsters, I’m holding out my cash and yelling, “Take my money!”

Ever since James T. Kirk saved a green-haired girl in a silver bikini, I was hooked. I don’t remember why she was dressed like a baked potato with chives on top, but I was mesmerized.

Then, I saw “Dune II.”

I saw the first “Dune,” and finally got around to seeing the sequel.

I’m annoyed that the first one didn’t say “Dune I.” I might have saved my money.

Side note: Movies never announce that they have planned sequels. Skipping the numbers on the first movie is meant to fool people. I always feel like “To Be Continued” is a bit of a gotcha moment, like you’re in the back seat of a convertible and the studio executive is whispering in your ear, “You’re in this far. Why not go all the way?”

I’m looking at you, “Wicked.”

But I digress, like I do. Before I watched both of these “Dune” movies, I saw the original “Dune” with Kyle McLachlan and Sting.

You’d think after watching two different iterations of a movie, I’d know what the heck was going on. I did not.

I don’t even know how to explain what I saw (for the record, all sci-fi sounds stupid when you try to explain it).

The movie was being narrated by a talking fetus. Yes, she was inside the mom character (Rebecca Ferguson). I thought I stumbled into a sequel to “Look Who’s Talking,” but no.

From what I gathered, the mother could hear the baby speaking from the womb. Talk about projecting from your diaphragm!

In this movie, Paul Atreides (sounds French), is played by Timothée Chalamet (sounds French). At some point, he has to ride a giant worm to join his girlfriend’s tribe. His girlfriend is played by Zendaya Maree Stoermer Coleman, AKA just Zendaya.

You lost me at talking fetuses and giant worms.

In the third act, I did get spaceships, laser guns and monsters (worms), which is all I really wanted.

BUT (here’s a very big but) the movie ended with a version of “To Be Continued.”

I wanted to hurt someone.

I told a friend, “I’m two movies in and I don’t know what’s going on. They want me to see a third?”

He explained, “You should read the book.”

It reminded me of the time when I complained about a lousy dinner in a restaurant and the server offered me a free dessert, and I said to him, “You’re saying that your solution to giving me an inedible meal is to give me more of it? No, thank you.”

I don’t want more. I want less. I’d like to get my five hours and 21 minutes back (the combined runtime of “Dune” and “Dune II”).

Next time I want to see giant worms, I’ll just watch “Beetlejuice” again – the original. I didn’t understand that sequel either.

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