Return of the Florida man
Every couple of months the newspaper tells a story about a guy doing something ridiculous in the Sunshine State. The headline always contains the words “Florida Man.” Hulu even named a crime drama miniseries, “Florida Man.” An anonymous wisenheimer on the Internet once remarked, “Florida Man is the world’s dumbest superhero.”
I want to dissect a recent “Florida Man” story I found on the wire.
“On February 7, in Lee County, Florida, the local Sheriff’s Office investigated an incident involving an allegedly intoxicated man riding a lawnmower.”
Note: It’s always “allegedly.” Someone can be “hammered, smashed, plastered, blitzed, buzzed, blasted, juiced, tickled, tanked, sauced, stewed or zonked,” but for legal reasons they always stick that “allegedly” in there.
Additional note: Don’t think I didn’t notice that the story, which takes place in Florida in February, has growing grass. Given the circumstances, I’d rather cut the grass than shovel the snow. But I digress, like I do.
A video camera caught the man on the mower plowing into a mailbox along the street. The man went heels over head and stumbled away from the mower, returned to his seat on the rider mower and drove off, hitting a series of mailboxes along the way.
According to WESH-TV, Matt Clardy watched the video of the destruction of his mailbox. The report described him as “Matt Clardy, whose mailbox was among the victims.”
I got stuck on “the victim was a mailbox.” Matt Clardy’s property was damaged. His mailbox was not a victim. When did we start anthropomorphizing inanimate objects in news reports? It reminds me of when toddlers bounce into coffee tables and they take a swipe at it and yell, “Bad table!”
Clardy told the TV station, “It was absolutely disgusting,” but then admitted, “It was so funny. I can watch it (the video footage) 100 times.”
But, wait! There’s a local connection.
The allegedly drunken mower was not identified. He remains a mystery, but this Florida Man left behind a Pittsburgh Steelers cap and sunglasses at one of the scenes of destruction. According to the report, the police are still trying to identify him.
I was happier when it was Florida Man, but this Florida Man might be Pittsburgh Man, the superhero’s lesser-known sidekick.
Reminder: Pittsburgh Man would have to report to Florida Man, because Pittsburgh is a city and Florida is a state. Duh.
I am filled to the brim with Pittsburgh pride, but I also know we have our own contingent of cuckoo birds here in the Golden Triangle. I’m glad to know some of them might have migrated south for the winter.
I can’t figure out why the police can’t follow the path of destruction, broken mailboxes, shredded letters, trashed Auto Traders, and spoiled Sunday flyers back to their point of origin.
For an allegedly drunken lawn mower rider, he managed to cover his tracks, literally and figuratively.
P.S. In case you were wondering, I have an alibi. I wasn’t anywhere close to the scene of the crime.