Dec 19, 2014 2 min read

Q. My brother-in-law married “Rose,” a divorcee, a year ago, although they had been living together for several years. This was a second marriage for both of them, and they each have adult children. Rose died three months ago from a quickly spreading cancer. She was only 67.

Here’s the problem: Rose’s three adult sons insisted that the name on the death notice, death certificate and grave marker be her first husband’s, with no acknowledgment of her current legal last name. My brother-in-law protested, but was bullied into doing what the boys wanted.

But that is not the end of the story. The sons then had their father’s ashes placed into Rose’s coffin and buried them together in a Catholic graveyard – and their father was Jewish.

Our family is distraught over these events. Can you imagine being buried with your divorced husband’s ashes? These were not her wishes. Is there any recourse? – Hurting for My Brother-in-Law

A. Were Rose’s wishes in writing? Did she leave instructions with an attorney? Rose’s children want their parents to be together. Your family can consult a lawyer, but it is unlikely you will get the ex-husband’s ashes disinterred unless your brother-in-law is prepared for a legal fight. We suggest your brother-in-law put a second death notice in the paper with Rose’s legal married name so that their friends and family members will know. Be supportive of whatever your brother-in-law chooses to do.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Sad Mother,” whose adult son may be suicidal. I know about this. Ultimately, the burden is on the individual to seek help. However, it is our obligation, no matter the difficulty, to address suicidal statements with severe responses.

It is challenging to accept that someone you love may need to be hospitalized. But expressions of self-harm and plans or wishes to die are serious and should not be viewed with a “wait and see” attitude. I would rather apologize to a living person than second-guess myself at a funeral. – Empathetic Reader