Oct 28, 2014 2 min read

Q. My husband, an only child, never had a great relationship with his father, “Clyde.” My mother-in-law died six years ago, and my husband passed away three years later. While things are improving for my daughter and me, we are both having a hard time dealing with Clyde, who is in his late 60s.

The day my husband died, Clyde said, “I’m still not over my wife, and now this. I can’t even think about him right now.” A few weeks after the funeral, I called Clyde, and during our conversation he told me, “I’m not going to worry about you. You’ll be married within the year.” Again, I let it slide. That spring, I invited him to a family cookout. When we were alone, he said, “You don’t know what grief is. You have no idea what it’s like to lose someone you love.” Annie, I almost got sick. I told him he was lucky to have 30 years with his spouse, because I didn’t even have seven.

After that, I limited my time with Clyde. We only see him on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Last Christmas, he came for two family meals. At both occasions, he was rude, obnoxious and spoke down to me in front of everyone. He gave my college-age daughter $20 as a gift. She was gracious and thanked him, whereupon he turned to me and said, “How do you know she won’t use it for something illegal?”

The problem is, Clyde has no one (he hasn’t spoken to his sister in 30 years). Is it OK not to invite him? – Still Related in the East

A. Clyde sounds like a cranky, belligerent pain in the butt. It would be a kindness to include him, but only if you can ignore his comments completely. The only way he knows how to communicate is to push everyone’s buttons. Do not respond. However, if that is more “charity” than you can handle, you do not need to invite him. Nor do you need to notify him in advance, unless you want to call to say you will include him only if he makes a sincere effort to be polite.