Sep 12, 2014 4 min read

Q. When my father died 15 years ago, my mother was in reasonably good health. When she reached the age of 91, she needed caregivers 24 hours a day. I tried to be the best daughter possible, calling twice a day, taking her to doctors’ appointments and doing her shopping and cooking. She frequently told me (and anyone within earshot) how much she loved me and appreciated me.

When Mom turned 94, the expense of keeping her in her home became too much. I took her to a neurologist, who concurred that Mom would do well in an assisted-living facility, so I researched several and moved her to one near my home. Mom loved it. She told all her friends how beautiful it was. Unfortunately, she was there only five weeks when she fell and broke her hip.

From that point on, Mom went quickly downhill both physically and mentally. She refused physical therapy after a few weeks and was transferred to two different hospitals four times with urinary tract infections and problems with blood flow in her legs. The fifth time she went to the hospital, the doctor suggested putting Mom into hospice care. She died a short time later.

Here is the problem: My two daughters were close to their grandmother and blamed me for her fall, her downhill slide and her death. They even called the authorities saying that I was trying to kill her for the inheritance money. The authorities investigated, of course, and found no truth to those accusations.

Since then, one daughter has become distant, and the other doesn’t talk to me at all. She sends venomous text messages that I delete unread. She told everyone that I murdered her grandmother, so she is keeping my grandson from me.

I am in therapy dealing with all of this and have tried to get my girls to go with, but neither one will. Any suggestions? – Brokenhearted

A. We know your daughters are grieving, but they are being terribly unfair to you. Falls that result in broken hips, poor recovery and downhill slides are not uncommon for those in their 90s, especially when they refuse physical therapy and make multiple trips to the hospital. Your mother was giving up, and you allowed her that choice. It might help to have Mom’s physician or someone at hospice speak to them about this. Hospice also offers grief counseling, and it sounds as though your daughters could benefit from it. If they don’t accept these suggestions from you, please see if another relative or friend could get through to them.

Dear Annie: I took offense to your response to “Concerned Friend,” whose friend bites her nails. Does every problem require therapy?

Nail biting is simply a nervous habit. Some people are worse than others, and some do it all their lives, but it certainly does not call for therapy. I bit my nails for 20 years. One day, I decided they looked really ugly and stopped, and I’ve had beautiful, manicured nails ever since. It was not obsessive, and I certainly didn’t need therapy to stop. – S.

Dear S.: Not everyone needs therapy to stop a compulsive behavior (this is often another way of saying “bad habit”), and we said so. But it took you 20 years. One or two sessions with a therapist may have given you nice nails a lot sooner.

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