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Annie’s Mailbox: Unhappy couple not doing kids any favors

4 min read

Q. I have been married to “Phil” for 15 years. Between the two of us, we have eight children. Our youngest is still in school. The problem is, I’m not happy anymore. I’ve made mistakes, stupid ones, including flirting with other men. Phil isn’t completely innocent, either, but he claims if I weren’t talking to these other men, he wouldn’t have approached other women.

My oldest daughter takes Phil’s side and says I ruined the family. I don’t think he should have been running to her to complain when she was only 16. She’s since moved out, and he’s now telling our next oldest daughter, who is 14, about our problems. I think this is sick and immature.

Phil recently told me he was giving me the “opportunity” to leave, although I don’t need his permission. I’m staying because I refuse to abandon my children. I’ve admitted my wrongdoings. I’ve also made it clear that I’m staying only for the kids and don’t love Phil anymore. I suspect neither one of us could survive on our own.

I’m tired of playing “happy family,” living with an obsessive man who refuses to understand that I’m not the sole cause of our problems. It’s both of us. I’m not looking for another relationship. I’m looking for some peace. Any suggestions? – Miserable and Stuck

A. Yes. Get counseling with or without Phil and find out how to cope with the situation. Married couples who are obviously miserable and sniping at each other but insist on staying together for the sake of the children are not providing the loving, stable environment that children need. And Phil should absolutely not be confiding in your teenage daughters about your marital difficulties. It’s manipulative and inappropriate. Shame on him.

Dear Annie: This is for my in-laws, who wonder why we don’t have joint parties with both sides of the family:

When your son and I married, I had the crazy notion that our families could get together with the expectation that everyone would get along and behave civilly. Apparently, you didn’t share that idea. I remember the snide comments, the ridicule about my family and the hurtful jokes made regarding our nationality. You couldn’t even be in the same room without saying something disrespectful.

I tried for 10 years, and then I said never again. For the past 20 years, we’ve alternated holidays, and we’ve seen your family dwindle. This Thanksgiving, it’s my family’s turn and your kids won’t be around. Enjoy spending the holidays by yourself. – Had It

Dear Had It: Have you or your husband told your in-laws that the reason you no longer include them with your family is because they behave so disrespectfully? We can’t guarantee that it would make any difference, but sometimes, given the opportunity and the understanding, people can learn to change their behavior – especially if the alternative is so lonely.

Dear Annie: I have a suggestion for “Mom,” whose daughter’s new college roommate wants her boyfriend to spend the night. The daughter should invite everyone on the floor to her dorm room for a popcorn party and make sure the roommate also helps make the popcorn. She can do this any night the boyfriend plans to sleep over.

If she is having trouble finding enough friends to come over, she could take photos all over campus and invite people to come by to see them. Or ask other students about the best places to hang out or which classes to take. These things will help her make friends and also keep the dorm room too crowded for canoodling. – Did It Myself

Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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