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Annie’s Mailbox: In many cases, a polite nod beats an argument

4 min read

Q. Whenever I’m at my parents’ house and they have guests, they expect me to “perform.” I don’t mean playing the piano or tap dancing. I mean they insist I “tell them that story you told me.” Any story they select.

I feel I’m being treated as some kind of circus freak. This makes me very uncomfortable, and they know it because I’ve told them. They always promise not to do it again, but then they always do.

They can be incredibly selfish. My mother doesn’t want me to speak at family dinners, and lets my siblings bulldoze over everyone. I hated this when I was a kid and still do. Now, whenever she tells people, “Tell them what you told me,” I will say, “I think that story isn’t appropriate for now, if you know what I mean.”

Am I being unreasonable? Did I also mention that my parents interrogate me about my job and then tell me I’m doing it all wrong? We have fights about what I wear to work. The last time, they told me to wear a shirt and tie to a job where I get my hands dirty. And they did it in front of my extended family. What do I do? – New Jersey Son

A. You learn to accept your parents as they are, and then set boundaries that will allow you to be less upset.

Your folks apparently think you are a terrific storyteller, but you do not have to oblige. When they ask you to relate something, it’s fine to say, “Not right now,” and then change the subject.

A useful skill is to do so while being polite, even smiling. Never lose your temper. Repeat as often as necessary and take your leave if they won’t let up.

Save your conversation for friends who appreciate it instead of siblings who talk over everyone. Some parents are notorious for criticizing their children’s choices in everything. Most children figure out how to evaluate what has merit and then ignore the rest, nodding politely instead of arguing. We suggest you practice.

Dear Annie: I would like to respond to “At a Loss in Ohio,” whose brother died and she received no condolences from anyone in her boyfriend’s family, including his children, nor any of his friends.

Why would you give people who behave poorly a pass by saying she should forgive them?

She wasn’t asking them to mourn her brother, so whether they knew him is irrelevant. She was looking for emotional support to help soften the sharp edges of the pain. Isn’t that what family and friends do for each other?

Their indifference to her pain is inexcusable, and she owes them nothing more. She has every right to feel angry and resentful. – Call a Spade a Spade

Dear Call: We agree that these people behaved terribly and said so. But finding forgiveness is for her, not them.

She needs to let these people know how disappointed she was in their lack of condolences, but she also needs to find a way to let it go or it will poison her relationship with her boyfriend.

We should not be so focused on holding onto hurt and anger that we lose track of the other things that matter.

Email questions to anniesmailbox@creators.com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254

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