Annie’s Mailbox: You don’t need somebody’s permission to seek counseling
Q. My husband, “Ben,” and I each lost a spouse and then found each other. We live in the same house with one of his daughters and a granddaughter. Ben is quite attached to this house. The two daughters are the owners now, but their father bought it originally and has always maintained it.
The daughter who lives here has a neurological disorder, which keeps her from accepting me. She has only spoken to me by name two or three times, although she knows how to blow up at us when something makes her angry. I try to greet her every morning with a family nickname that she likes, but she still only grunts in reply.
It seems that she has influenced the granddaughter to resent me, as well. I have tried to put my foot down on occasion, but mostly, I just meekly defend myself from her criticism. My husband feels sorry for her and she fawns over him, so he believes that she can do no wrong. He cannot hear well, so he is unaware of how she speaks to me.
I’ve asked Ben about moving to a place of our own, but he won’t do it. He also doesn’t like the idea of paying rent when he has a place to live for free. And his daughter wants him to stay because he does all of the upkeep and pays the bills.
Annie, I cringe when I hear one of these girls coming, and I hide if I can. I have prayed about my anger and tried to overcome the fear I feel at an encounter. Ben would not condone my going for counseling, as he is a minister himself. Is there anything I can do? – Coming In Third
A. You do not need Ben’s permission to get counseling to help you deal with an unfair and unpleasant situation that he is perpetuating. Was the living situation discussed in advance? Did you agree to live with his daughter forever? Your minister husband should be aware that spouses promise to put each other first when they marry. He has not done this. Please get counseling with or without Ben. You also may need to get a place of your own to find peace, and if Ben refuses to relocate with you, suggest that he visit often.
Dear Annie: Some close friends of ours have become lazy hosts. When we have a party at our home, we provide the food and other items. If we have a potluck, each guest brings a dish and we provide the main course and the drinks.
For these friends, the last few birthday parties have been at restaurants where we paid for our own meals. The “hosts” might bring a cake, but the rest of us are expected to bring a gift to the honoree.
This seems cheap to me. We enjoy getting together, but would appreciate a little more effort. Otherwise, they aren’t hosting the party at all. We are. – Not So Social in Louisville, Ky.
Dear Not So: If you are paying your own way, then they are not hosting the event. However, it is not uncommon for a bunch of friends to get together to celebrate someone’s birthday, in which case, there is no host at all. We hope they reciprocate for your lovely home hospitality in some other way.
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