Dec 21, 2015 3 min read

Q. Please help us with an upcoming dilemma. Our son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren all live in another state. We spend Christmas with them every other year.

In October, our daughter-in-law told our son she was leaving him, but would wait until after Christmas to tell the children so as not to upset them during the holidays. She has decided she would rather run around with her single girlfriends from work, but right now, she still remains in the home they own. She has already said she does not want to take the kids and is leaving them with our son. She did the same thing five years ago, but then decided to return and our son let her back into their lives.

Our daughter-in-law knows that we are aware of their situation. How can we possibly give the same very generous Christmas gift to someone we know is walking out the door Jan. 1? – Stuck in the Middle

A. You do not have to give your daughter-in-law the same gift you have in the past. You don’t, in fact, have to be generous to anyone, and can decide only to give presents to the children. However, since Ms. Flighty has left before and returned, there is a good possibility she will do the same thing again. If so, will your stingier gift create a problem at that time?

We suggest you talk to your son about this. Ask him how he would like you to handle the situation, and then follow accordingly. Your daughter-in-law sounds immature and selfish. Be grateful that she prefers to leave the children with their more stable father.

Q. Two months ago, I became a grandmother for the first time. But I’m not allowed to see my grandchild nor is anyone in my family. Yet my son’s father, who has not been in his life for more than 20 years, is apparently welcome to visit the baby any time.

This is causing a lot of fighting in my family. My other children are worried that I did something to upset my son and his wife. But believe me, I have done nothing to cause either of them to act this way. I am incredibly hurt and don’t know what to do. – Looking for Answers in Pennsylvania

A. These sad circumstances are only too common. We wish we had a magic potion to make family relationships smoother, more loving and more rational, but we don’t. There could be old hurts that you are unaware of. Your son may be looking to include his father now that he is a father himself. Your ex-husband could be poisoning your son’s mind with tales about you, or he could demand that you be excluded. Your daughter-in-law may simply not like you or someone else in the family. Unless you can speak to your son, you will not know. Please try to contact him, without judging or being angry, and ask what you can do to fix this. You might also enlist the help of any friend or family member still in their good graces to get to the bottom of it.

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