Siblings’ estrangement can lead to rift through entire family

Q. I am one of five sisters. We are all adults with children of our own. One lives in New Jersey and the others live in Florida, three of us in the same city. My sister, “Claire,” lives two hours away. Three years ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. With good doctors and care, she has successfully come through five surgeries and battled the rounds of chemo. So far, she remains cancer-free.
Four of us did whatever we could to help Claire during this time. Two of my sisters worked remotely so they could help with her medical appointments. Even my sister in New Jersey offered to stay with Claire. Only one sister, “Pam,” never helped, and in fact, never even acknowledged the cancer or wished Claire a speedy recovery.
The problem now is that four of us are empty nesters and we vacation together once or twice a year. We have been doing this for more than a decade. But family isn’t only for the good times. If a person cannot care about her sister when she is ill, then I don’t think she should be included when we go on vacations. We always stay in timeshares, which I own. I don’t invite Pam on these vacations, but another sister does. I can’t uninvite her without creating a rift.
Annie, I don’t want to vacation with Pam, but feel the choice is out of my control. I would appreciate advice from a disinterested party. – Sibling Dilemma
A. Are you sure you want to do this? The consequences could turn out to be more distressing than worthwhile. An estrangement hurts you, too, and, as you said, will create a rift between all of the siblings. We know Pam deserves your condemnation for acting so uncaring toward her own sister, but have you asked her about it? Did you say, “Pam, I am so disappointed and angry that you cared so little about Claire that you couldn’t even wish her well”? She needs to know how upset you are and why. She may have some explanation for her callous behavior, and even though it will hardly be good enough, we hope you will hear her out and maybe even find it in your heart to forgive her. It’s so much better than holding onto your anger.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Snowbird Driver,” whose friends refuse to let her drive when they are going to dinner. The one thing that was not mentioned was alcohol.
We have many friends who gather together for cocktails before leaving for dinner at a restaurant. With a cocktail or two before, and several drinks at the restaurant, they may well be driving under the influence by the time they are on their way home.
I live in Florida and see this situation often. If the neighbors do not drink themselves, they might feel terribly uncomfortable driving with anyone who has had a few. I agree with your answer about treating them with a gift card or dinner out in order to reciprocate. However, the real reason for their reluctance to share driving responsibilities might be too many cocktails imbibed by the driver. – Sarasota.
Dear Sarasota: You could very well be right. Thanks for mentioning the possibility.
Dear Annie: This is for “Suffocating in Saskatchewan,” whose co-worker has a terrible body odor. My son used to have body odor, but I noticed it only after he showered. It turned out to be his aftershave. When I got up the courage to speak to him about it, the problem was solved and he thanked me for letting him know.
It could be that the co-worker’s soap, aftershave, cologne or other product doesn’t mix well with his body chemistry. That might be an approach to use when speaking to him about it. – Been There
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