close

Annie’s Mailbox: Misery won’t change without sincere effort

4 min read

Q. I am a healthy 50-years-young woman in the midst of menopause. I also have been diagnosed as mentally ill with depression. I refuse to seek treatment. I come from a culture where the shame of admitting a mental illness is a fate worse than death. So I sleep a lot.

I have a fine husband who wishes nothing more than to be in a happy, healthy relationship with me and our two young children. I hurt everyone in my family with my mercurial temper, frequent yelling over trivial matters and causing general upset. For a while now, I have refused any intimacy whatsoever with my husband, including sweet talk and touching. I am completely disinterested in sex. I know I am starving my husband, and he is suffering. I’ve told him to find someone else.

What should I do? Please don’t tell me to get counseling. I have spoken to counselors in the past, and nothing has helped because I insist I am a victim and that all of my problems are someone else’s fault. I cannot admit that I need mental health assistance. I am miserable, in every sense of the word. – Frigid in New Hampshire

A. You’ve admitted to us that you need mental health assistance, and we agree. You are being unfair to yourself, as well as your family. So do you want to continue being miserable, alienating your husband and children simply to avoid shame (of which there should be none), or do you genuinely want to make your life better? Whatever underlying issues you may have are likely exacerbated by menopause. If you cannot admit that you need help for depression, perhaps you would seek help to alleviate some of your menopausal symptoms. Your gynecologist can recommend medication that can do both. Please try.

Q. How do you tell a couple they have a filthy house? Up until recently, they seemed to make an effort, but lately, we find it difficult to accept invitations to their home. They are nice people, but we are not so close that we can tell them about this.

Their two dogs have the run of the house. The cat is allowed to crawl on the kitchen counters and tables. There is a thick accumulation of pet hair that rolls across their floors like tumbleweed and sticks in the folds of their sofa. You could knit a sweater with what you’d sweep up in one room. When I leave their house, I feel like I need a bath. I know other families with pets, and their homes are cleaner. I don’t understand why they refuse to see it.

If I confront them, I risk the friendship. If I quit accepting invitations, I risk the friendship. Is there a kind way to tell them? – Louisville, Ky.

A. Maintaining a hair-free home when you have three pets requires frequent cleaning, which your friends apparently are no longer up to handling. Are they in good health? Perhaps they are not physically able to clean or supervise where the animals go. How is their vision? Maybe they cannot see the animal hair. If you can express your concern about their health, that could be a kind way to approach the subject. Otherwise, feel free to make excuses not to visit, but please invite them to your home so they don’t feel you dislike them.

Dear Annie: I could relate to the letter from “Frustrated.” When my husband lost interest in sex, I began to masturbate. I went to confession, and the priest explained that it is not a sin to accept the lesser of two evils. He told me to allow my husband to pleasure me when he is willing. Otherwise, I should do what I need to avoid the worst alternatives, such as adultery.

It was so simple, and I am forever grateful to him. My wonderful husband and I still love each other, just not physically. – Faithful and Satisfied

Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254

CUSTOMER LOGIN

If you have an account and are registered for online access, sign in with your email address and password below.

NEW CUSTOMERS/UNREGISTERED ACCOUNTS

Never been a subscriber and want to subscribe, click the Subscribe button below.

Starting at $3.75/week.

Subscribe Today