Annie’s Mailbox: Parents must set boundaries for kids
Q. My lifelong friend “Georgia” has a 7-year-old son who frequently plays with my 6-year-old. Georgia and her husband are divorced and share custody. The problem is, I fear her son is being exposed to things that are not appropriate for his age. He plays adult video games, and both parents allow him to watch frightening, sexually suggestive adult TV shows. The boy has made several inappropriate comments and gestures to me. The father doesn’t seem to notice.
I do not want my son exposed to any of this. But I also want to help Georgia’s son, as I feel this could have damaging long-term effects. My son adores this boy and gets upset when I try to discourage interaction between them. Georgia lives nearby, and when her son is at her house, it is difficult to keep them apart. Any advice? – Growing Up Way Too Fast
A. Some single parents are so overwhelmed with parenting responsibilities and guilt about the separation that they set no boundaries for their children. They think this makes the child happy, but in reality, it undermines the child’s level of security – if Mommy and Daddy don’t care what he does, does that mean they don’t love him?
Talk to Georgia. Tell her that these things are inappropriate for her son and it makes it difficult for you to allow him to play with your child.
But ultimately, you cannot control what Georgia does. You can only explain to your son that these things will not be tolerated by you. Do not let him go to Georgia’s home without your supervision. When the children are with you, make sure they are not playing R-rated video games or watching adult programming. And limit contact when you can.
Q. I am always being compared to my older sister. I am 14, and whenever I get bad grades, they always say, “Be more like your sister.”
I hate it and am sick and tired of it. No one understands. I try my best, but I still get compared to her. What do I do? – Desperate for Answers
A. Many parents like to compare their children, although we have yet to see any positive results come from that. The kids are more likely to resent each other, as well as their parents. Is there a school counselor or favorite teacher you can talk to about this? What about an adult relative or neighbor? It would help for you to discuss this with someone who can be understanding and who also might be willing to talk to your parents about it.
Dear Annie: I would like to add to your response to “Actively Confused,” whose wife had cancer and now resents her husband’s activities.
In my 45 years as a hospital chaplain, I have known many people who accept and adjust to life-threatening illness, often in quite surprising and courageous fashion. Others view themselves as victims or seek “secondary gain” through their illness. This is not a judgment on them. They, like “Actively Confused’s” wife, are dealing with their situation the best way they know.
Your suggestion that they speak to her oncologist is a good start. But she and her husband also need education, counseling and support. Some oncologists have social workers and counselors on their staffs. Some make referrals to chaplains or to peer support groups. This couple could benefit from guidance that will help them become active fighters, advocates for themselves and teammates in the treatment process. -Chaplain Jack