Jul 24, 2015 4 min read

Q. I am 62 years old and have been married to “Clyde” for 12 years. We do not have a sexual relationship. He prefers to sleep on the sofa and always has, saying it’s more comfortable.

Clyde had a horrible childhood. He told me that his mother had sex with various men in his presence. On the weekends, he would stay with his paternal grandparents, where he witnessed his uncle abusing his aunt. His grandmother is the only one who showed him any love, and while there, he slept on the sofa.

Prior to meeting my husband, I contracted herpes. I am allergic to latex so sex is always a risk. He knew this prior to our marriage and things were OK then. But after we married, sex became infrequent, partly because of his erectile dysfunction. He informed me that I was no longer attractive to him because I had gained weight (so has he) and he fears getting herpes.

I don’t know what to do. Clyde is moody and I sometimes feel that I’m walking on eggshells. He can acknowledge that he is difficult, but he doesn’t change. We love each other and share a fairly comfortable life, but I miss an intimate relationship. Clyde will not go to counseling. In fact, he dislikes speaking of our problems in the bedroom and becomes so angry that I once put my feelings in a letter. He tore it up without reading it. Any advice? – Missing My Husband

A. Clyde’s background indicates a lot of unresolved issues about sex and intimacy, but if he refuses to address them, there is little you can do to change how he responds. However, you can get counseling for yourself. A good counselor will help you focus on what’s important to you and decide what is best for you, including ways to cope with the situation you have with less frustration.

Dear Annie: “Good Daughter” said her mother endlessly stole the limelight. I’ve observed the exact same behavior in both my husband’s mother and mine, and it seems to have started in their 70s. I wondered if it had to do with them fighting the feeling of being invisible or irrelevant in their families’ lives.

As I transition into the empty-nest phase of life, I’m beginning to get a glimpse of what it feels like to go from being the center (and coordinator) of all family activities into a much less active role in my kids’ lives, and I’m sure it will be even more pronounced over time.

We all need to feel needed. In our younger years, we race through our busy lives. Once we reach our senior years, all of these connections and obligations fade. We need others to validate that we still matter. While this doesn’t make it any more pleasant to observe the redirection of every conversation, a little perspective might encourage more tolerance. – Patient Daughter

Dear Patient: While we aren’t sure that applies to all cases (many people are self-absorbed from childhood on), we agree that the sense that one is invisible and unimportant can push people to assert themselves this way. Thank you for providing a plea for understanding.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Had Enough,” the 68-year-old woman who was tired of her husband’s demand for sex. She asked how other seniors handled this.

My husband also had a robust sex drive. I lost interest after menopause, but for his sake, pretended all was well. When his progressing Parkinson’s disease made it difficult for him to complete the act, I let him know that I had no interest, but I did agree to have sex once a week. I dreaded it, as it became a real chore, but I kept my bargain until he died.

I did this because I understood how great his need was, I loved him and he loved me, and he was a considerate sex partner who was always faithful. I came to understand that sex for him was a security blanket. I am glad I made the effort, because I would not want to be living with regrets now that he is gone. P.S. The night before he died, his last words to me were, “I love you and I want to have more sex.” – Been There in Florida

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