Allow your husband to deal with his mother
Q. Last summer, our family spent all of our time helping my newly widowed mother-in-law fix up her large home, which had become run down during her husband’s long illness.
During one of the days I took off to help, she backed into the side of our car, causing damage. The repair estimate was $1,000, but she didn’t want to claim it on her insurance for fear her rates would go up. My husband didn’t want to ask her to pay, so we simply drove around with a giant dent in our car. Last week, we were in an accident and our car was totaled. The value we received was reduced because of the prior damage.
My husband and I work public service jobs with low wages, and my mother-in-law often talks about how she’s investing her half-million dollars. Am I wrong to think she should pay for the damage she caused to our car while we were fixing her home to save her money? – Trying Not to be Resentful
A. We understand why you expected Mom to pay for the damage, and she should have offered to do so. Nonetheless, we are asking you to think of this with compassion. Mom is widowed and her ability to generate income is undoubtedly reduced. That “half-million dollar” investment has to last her the rest of her life, while you and your husband will continue to earn. Discuss this with your husband and come to a mutual decision. He is obviously reluctant to ask Mom to pay for this, and perhaps it would be easier to ask her to split the cost. Whatever happens, please allow your husband to deal with this as he sees fit, and do your best to forget the rest. It won’t help to dwell on it.
Dear Annie: You printed a letter from “No One to Share This With,” about her husband continually watching porn. Her husband is likely a sex addict and his wife is 100 percent correct that he is likely filled with shame.
I am a sex addict and a porn addict. I go to 12-step meetings and I have a sponsor. Luckily, I have managed to stay away from porn for seven years. While getting into a 12-step program is probably the best thing for this woman’s husband, he will be highly unwilling to go. Something in his life will need to completely fall apart before he is ready to ask for help. Once he does, a 12-step meeting, and possibly a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist can help him tremendously. But until then, nothing will break him free from his computer for any length of time.
Many people don’t believe that sex addiction is a real thing, but let me tell you, it is. When sex addicts look at porn, the dopamine receptors in the brain take off. We used to have to seek out our fathers’ girlie magazines, but with the Internet, every teenager has Porn TV in his back pocket. – G.
Dear G.: Thank you for being the voice of experience today.
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