Sep 16, 2015 4 min read

Q. I have been seeing my boyfriend, “John,” for more than a year and love him very much. We are in our mid-20s, and while there are no plans to move in together or settle down soon, I see a future with him.

The issue is that John lives with his older brother “Zack.” Zack has no full-time job, no prospects and no friends outside of those provided by John. Zack is shy in social situations, and covers this by being snide and sarcastic, which leads him to be girlfriend-less. My friends no longer like hanging out with John, as Zack is almost always involved.

Also, John pays for everything for Zack – rent, food, entertainment or any event we go to. I feel like John’s second girlfriend. When we go out with other friends for dinner, John will pay for Zack, but not me. And if the three of us go out, John and I split the bill 50/50. I don’t mind this occasionally, but my finances are tight and I don’t care to pay for Zack. I resent that Zack gets treated to these dinners, but I don’t. Even our romantic dates usually involve Zack, and of course, he would come on any vacation.

Annie, I feel stuck. I love John and I have even learned to like Zack, but I don’t think I can handle this situation any longer. I’ve brought it up delicately many times, and John and Zack both acknowledge the need for a change, but nothing happens. I don’t feel comfortable trying to get in between brothers, but this doesn’t seem healthy. – Third Wheel on Facebook

A. John obviously feels responsible for Zack and wants to take care of him. He doesn’t feel responsible for you, since you are independent, both financially and socially. Have you asked John privately whether Zack could benefit from counseling? If he is the older brother and still has no job and no social life, he might need some coaching in life skills. He also might appreciate having someone teach him how to handle himself at a party or attract the attention of a female, and you could be of tremendous assistance there. Otherwise, any “future” you see with John means including Zack in everything.

Dear Annie: If people go in together to purchase a gift, should only one of the people receive a thank-you note?

I recently attended a bridal shower where four of us pooled our money to purchase an expensive gift. At the shower, we were all asked to address an envelope to make thank-you notes easier for the bride-to-be. We all did so, but I was shocked to find out that the note was sent only to “Jill,” with the rest of our names included inside. Jill phoned the rest of us to let us know.

Have people really become so lazy that they can’t write a thank you to each person who gave a gift? It wasn’t Jill’s job to inform the rest of us. Shame on the bride-to-be. – Proper Thank Yous Please

Dear Proper: The bride may not have realized that a single gift from multiple people still requires individual thank-you notes. But yes, laziness undoubtedly played a part, considering that the guests had to pre-address their own envelopes.

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