Jan 14, 2017 3 min read

Q. My wife and I were married 17 years ago, and although we did divorce, we still remained on friendly terms. Recently, however, she made the mistake of accidentally letting me know she had called her ex-husband (whom she married before me) for advice on something.

Then she admitted that through all these years, she has remained in contact with her ex-husband – calling him and, when visiting her daughter’s home, meeting up with him. She said she maintains this for the sake of her kids (the youngest is in his early 30s), and she doesn’t see the big deal of it or why it should bother me. If I don’t like it, too bad.

She saw him again this Christmas, and once again, I got to spend it alone. It bothers me that she betrayed me, keeping their relationship a total secret all these years and then telling me it was none of my business, even when we were married. She has always done what she wants and gotten whatever she wants, and I have had to accept it because I loved her so.

Am I wrong to feel the way I do? Should I just ignore the pain I feel inside and go on as if nothing happened? I’m ready to wash my hands of her entirely. Please, I need some type of answer. – Betrayal

A. There’s no use crying over spilled milk, especially if it’s milk that’s long been sour. Why torture yourself thinking about things your ex-wife may have done? Yes, there should be no secrets between spouses, and she should have disclosed her contact with her previous husband to you back then. I’ll grant you that.

But she is your ex-wife now, and clinging to anger at her is about as useful as shooting yourself in the foot. You’re holding yourself hostage to bitterness and pain. Set yourself free. And when you’re ready to start dating again, find a partner who is happy to spend the holidays with you.

Dear Annie: You were right to urge “Krissy Kringle” to go to her new boyfriend’s office party even though his lawyer colleagues are “serious, rude and unpleasant.” You might have suggested that she think about some topics of conversation in advance. Her boyfriend could have given her some basic information about the people who were going to be there. Nothing creepily private – she doesn’t want to come across as a stalker – just some basics.

By cheerfully saying some simple things, she could have mildly flattered them and opened avenues of conversation. For example, “Oh, you are one of the firm’s founders? What was it like in the beginning?” “Oh, you and your wife are from Minnesota? My father’s family is from there.”

You also might have suggested that she keep her appearance and voice low-key and her comments brief. In situations such as this, it’s wise to open a conversation and then listen. Lawyers love to tell stories and are usually highly entertaining.

And finally, people in similar situations should remember that they and everyone else there are human beings, with pasts and stories, with needs and hopes. I’m sure she was a welcome addition to the party, as her boyfriend knew in advance; that’s why he invited her, which is a good sign. – Friendly Lawyer in Idaho

Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.