Readers respond to column
Last week’s column received several responses. Here are a few.
Q. Your column last week made me think. My mom and dad split up when I was 10 and mom was alone for a while. Then she met and married my stepdad. I pushed back at her – and him – at first. I think I was just a scared 12-year-old. But now, I see he’s not only good for her but good for me and my brother. We don’t have the problem with religion as the last question person, but I think my reaction to his presence is the same. Thanks for saying out loud what I was thinking. – 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: As people, we mature gradually, and maturity is not based on age as much as experience and our reactions to life. We mature socially, physically, mentally and emotionally. Being able to admit when we are wrong is a sign of maturity. I congratulate you on your personal growth and am pleased your stepdad is a good addition to your family. Good luck after high school.
Q. I’m a grown-up but I want to thank you for your balanced response to a question of faith. I agree with you that there is goodness in all belief systems. How wonderful would it be if we could all be open-minded enough to see that? – Sign me, Still Learning in My 50s.
Mary Jo’s Response: I’m still learning in my 70s, my friend. Thank you for taking the time to write an email. I often ponder how the world would look if we could treat each other with kindness and respect. I did my master’s in counseling a long time ago. Dr. Carl Rogers had just written the book, “A Way of Being.” It complemented his book “On Becoming A Person.” Rogers’ concept of unconditional positive regard appealed to me; it was so like the idea of looking for worth in all people that I was taught by my father.
According to Dr. Rogers (who also wrote “Client Centered Therapy”), therapists should approach their clients with a non-judgmental acceptance. I realize this may be a lofty goal in the real world, but I found it to be a foundation for my parenting, when I accepted my children with unconditional love, as my father did me. Thank you for writing.
Q. The teen who wrote to you last week was lucky. My mom married a guy who is not a good person, at least to me. I’m old enough to not live at home anymore, and I moved as far away from him as I could when I went to college. I never go home. I see my mom when she visits me. He never hurt me or hit me or abused me, but his words! I swear in 3 years that man never said a thing to me that didn’t put me down or make me feel low. I try to respect my mom’s choices because I love her, but it’s hard. – 19-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Please know you are a person of worth. Words can be hurtful, but they do not define us unless we embrace them. Your situation is difficult. I’m pleased you remain connected with your mom. Mothers are important. I’m sure it takes a lot of empathy to respect her choices. Family therapy might be helpful if your mom, stepdad and you are willing to try. Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.