Aug 29, 2024 4 min read

Q. I’m not a teen, but I need advice. I thought we were raising our three kids (two girls and a boy) to freely express emotions, but my 12-year-old son shocked me last week. My husband and I were discussing the social media reactions to Gus Walz’s tears. We were both dismayed at some truly horrible comments from adults. We were at dinner, and I casually asked our kids, “What do you think?” I was stunned when our son said, “Boys can’t cry mom. Girls can get away with crying but not boys.” I was so sure we were modeling an open expression of emotions. My husband is a great role model and shows a range of feelings, although in fairness I don’t think the kids have ever seen him cry. I know I’d addressed this with them. I pondered – when was the last time I’d seen our son cry? As a preschooler! Had society programmed him to deny his emotions already? What do we do? – Mom of 12-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: How wise you are to include your children in difficult conversations! Using what’s happening in the world as a catalyst for teaching is one of my favorite tricks.

Modeling in your family is wonderful. You’ve talked about emotions and given your children an outlet. We also live in society. When children go to school, they are exposed to other cultures – other families and the teachers/administrators of the school. It’s easy for them to absorb other concepts and make them their own.

You’re also wise to ask what you can do. This is an adult problem, not a child/teen one. It’s not new. Our three children – two girls and a boy, like your family – played many sports. I have fond memories of preschool soccer. I called it “amoeba ball” because the young athletes pretty much followed the ball all over the field, helter-skelter. They had fun, though. They were coached by older teens and a few caring adults. The coaches were wonderful, but the parents on the sidelines were often not. I noticed parents’ reactions if a little girl fell. Most were careful to make sure she was OK. When a little boy fell, there were comments like, “Shake it off” and “Be a man.”

May I suggest you talk with your son’s friends’ parents? Encourage the modeling you’re attempting at home. Have an open conversation. If a group of young people learn about emotions together, it’s easier for them. I have a wonderful story that illustrates this. At the start of the pandemic, I was forced to close our teen center. The day after the closing, I initiated twice daily Zooms. The 3 p.m. Zoom was a “hang-out” one, where teens could share their thoughts and have company. The 7 p.m. Zoom was more structured, with speakers, book, game and movie clubs, and activities. One day in April of 2020, a young man shared he’d just been told there would be no high school graduation for him, due to COVID. He’d worked hard to earn an honor cord and was very disappointed. He started to cry.

I could tell he was embarrassed, and was preparing to speak, but before I could, another teen intervened. She told him she was happy he felt safe with us and could share his sorrow. Another teen asked, “Is it OK if we hold space with you until you feel like talking?” He nodded. These normally verbose teens were silent for a solid five minutes, until the young man composed himself, took a deep breath, and mumbled thanks. We then had a wonderful conversation about double standards and showing emotions based on gender.

The memory still leaves me with a warm glow of joy. As an educator, my goal is to empower young people with the skills they need to no longer need me. That day, they demonstrated how well they were ready to handle adversity.

Continue talking and modeling with all three of your children. They are fortunate to have you as a parent. Yes, society’s influence is powerful, but we change society one child at a time. Together we can make a real difference. Remember, there were more positive social media reactions to a 17-year-old crying than negative. Change is slow but steady. Thank you for teaching – you’re your children’s first educator and you’re doing a great job!

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.