Dec 19, 2024 3 min read

Q. I’ve been home from college three days, and I already know this isn’t going to be what I expected. I love my university and I’m so busy there that this is my first visit home. I stayed at school over Thanksgiving. I love my family, but this is so weird. I feel like I don’t have a minute alone. My younger siblings are constantly underfoot. My parents seem to have forgotten I’ve been taking care of myself for a semester and want to know where I’m going every minute of every day. When I’m talking with my friends, they want to know what I’m talking about. My grades are good, and I did well this semester. When are they going to treat me like an adult? – 18-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m grateful; your email gives me a chance to address an important topic – adjusting to the return of a college student. I will look at this from two perspectives – yours and your parents’/family’s.

To you: I can hear your frustration. May I ask you to be kind and try to view your return home from your parents’ point of view? If you decide to be a parent someday, you will discover a powerful love. You bring home not only a baby, but also a deep responsibility. You will begin caring for another human being and your love will make you hyper aware of the baby’s needs. You will teach and feed and protect your child – and then, seemingly overnight, your tiny baby is grown and able to move onto life as an adult. When your child returns from college or the military or living away from home in the workforce, you will be faced with a reality – you are not as needed as you were once. Adjusting to this change can be challenging.

Take time to communicate with your parents and siblings, set expectations, and talk about how you now fit into your family. It’s OK to express your needs for privacy and independence; you’ve earned them over the last semester. Be respectful and kind.

To your parents: Having a young adult home for the first time requires adjustments. Here are some hints:

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Respectfully share your expectations. Avoid the concept of rules – your young adult has been adulting for months. Respect newfound independence by sharing your parameters for behavior. Be flexible. If you have holiday family functions where attendance is non-negotiable, say so up front. Listen.

Respect privacy. Your family, including siblings, is happy to be together again, but remember your college student has developed a group of friends and needs connection with them. Returning to college will be smoother if those connections are maintained.

Discuss schedules. Many college students keep late hours; making cookies at 1 a.m. may be common. You’re now sharing space. Once more, communicate expectations.

Try not to be nosy. If you allow space, your young adult may want to share but remember to honor boundaries.

Household chores. If your other children are expected to contribute to the family by doing household chores, your college student should be part of the process. This transition will be smoother if you discuss this openly and include your young adult in choices.

Finally, to both parents and young adults: break time will fly. Make memories, minimize stress and confrontation. Enjoy your time together.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.