Is it friendship or more?
Q. There’s a new guy in school. I am so attracted to him, but so is everyone else. He’s all anyone can talk about. He keeps to himself. We don’t know much about him except he’s from out of state. He plays basketball and he’s good, he’s in one of my AP classes, and the teachers seem to like him. He leaves right after practice or a game. He doesn’t ignore me like he does most people, he’ll actually say hey first and most days we have a nice but short conversation. My friends say he’s into me. I’d like that, but I want to know more about him before I get involved. How do you ask someone personal questions? Like do they have a partner, or do they want one? Or have they had a partner in the past? How do I know if he’d like to be more than a friend? Right now we just talk about superficial stuff. I’m stuck. – 16-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: You’re wise to consider knowing more about him before getting involved. It seems like you’ve started a friendship. Continue it. Be a good listener. Give friendship time to grow. Notice body language. You’ll be able to tell if he enjoys chatting with you. Friendships often start with talking about superficial stuff, so you’re not stuck.
As to relationships, what do YOU want in a relationship? Knowing that answer should come first.
I wouldn’t jump in with past relationship questions until you know him more. Even if you’re good friends, it’s hard to bring up the past. On the other hand, if you start your friendship openly, the information you seek may reveal itself naturally. You could simply bring up the subject of relationships – what you want in one, what you imagine a healthy relationship is like. If you’ve had past relationships you’re willing to share, your honesty could lead to him sharing as well.
If you do get involved and do discover his past relationships, try to avoid jealousy or comparing yourself with others. Knowing how a partner reacted to others can help you know if you want to be involved, but it should not be your only factor in seeking a healthy relationship.
Since it’s been a long time since I faced this challenge, I consulted with wise peer educators.
I wish you good friends and the relationship you seek.
Peer Educators Response: Coming from someone who has felt like this before without making a move, yours is the perfect question. I am currently interested in someone, in fact, they already know, so I took a chance to talk with them about it. That worked for me. It’s easy to ease into a deep conversation about life and ask personal questions if you’re respectful – like are you single, for example. You could just be upfront and tell him you find him attractive, or you’re happy to stay friends with him if he has a significant other or isn’t ready for a relationship. First, you need to sit with yourself, with your feelings, and ask yourself if he’s not interested in you that way, would you be happy with a friendship. Friendship is 100% important and needed before you get into a relationship. It’s better to tell him sooner so you can have a talking stage and see where it goes. You also could be overthinking this. We hope it works out.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.