Breaking the cycle of poor parenting
Q. I don’t know if you remember me, but I remember you. I often hung out after class when I was in high school or skipped lunch with other teens just to stay and chat. You always brought food for us. I would joke I came for the snacks, but the truth is I craved the stability you brought me. You spoke of our worth, as your students, you assured us we were worthy. I didn’t hear those messages at home. My parents hated each other. I don’t know why they never split. They spent every day throwing hateful language at one another. My sibling and I were caught in the crossfire. I was the youngest. My older sib left after high school and never returned, although we stayed in touch. If my parents thought it bizarre that their 18-year-old essentially disappeared, they never discussed it. In the two years after my sibling left, I clung to your classes and your philosophy like a lifeline. I doubt you knew what I was facing at home, because I never shared it, but I think you intuitively recognized my need to be near someone who saw good in me. At graduation, when I hugged you hard, you said I was strong enough to become who I wanted to be. You told me I was free to stay connected with you. That was over 15 years ago. I did connect, off and on, but only about superficial things – should I switch my major? – was grad school a good idea? You may wonder why I am reaching out now. For two reasons – to finally thank you for how much your kindness and wisdom influenced me. You were really the only model I had for respecting others. And, to ask you how to break the cycle my parents started. I’m a mom now. My baby is less than a year old. I try to give my little one the messages of self-worth you gave me. What can I do to be a better parent than the ones I grew up with? I haven’t had contact with them for years – my sibling and I created our own family circle without them. Should I read some good parenting books? I am determined to raise my child with love and respect. My husband is with me on this – his parents were not as toxic as mine, but they divorced when he was young, so he has his own challenges. Thank you so much. – Grateful
Mary Jo’s Response: I’m touched and overwhelmed by your words. Of course I remember you. I didn’t know what was happening at home during your teen years, but I’ve learned young people typically connect for a reason. I’m so very glad you did.
Your questions are wise ones. I’ll be direct. Yes, it is possible to break the cycle of poor parenting. It will take effort. We instinctively parent as we were parented – that’s our default mode. Under stress, it’s easy to fall into the patterns we know, and parenting can be stress-inducing.
There are wonderful resources for parents, and I will suggest a few, but I want to assure you of the best resources you can use – yourself, your husband, and your sibling. I’m thrilled you created a family circle of support. Together, you can move through and past the generational trauma of your childhoods.
Communicating with your husband is important. Be united in your approach. Here is your most important message to your little one: “We love you always, unconditionally, just as you are.” Parenting means guiding, teaching, and modeling, but your child’s personality is unique and is their own. Your relationship with your child is the foundation of their self-worth; self-esteem must be dripped into children daily as they grow. You may wonder – how does one do this while trying to get a 3-year-old to put on socks and shoes so you can get out the door for daycare and work? With patience, acknowledging your own needs.
I rarely recommend parenting tips on weaning or toilet learning. I am most interested in cultivating connections. In your situation, your past parenting experiences were negative. You may need guidance sorting through those experiences with the intention of making change with your own child. Counseling can help. I will never forget my first professor in my grad program stating quite firmly, “Every person has a time in life when counseling helps.”
Parenting groups can also be good guides. A quick internet search brought up 10 different types of groups for parents with similar backgrounds to yours. As far as parenting books, there are many. I’m fond of three: “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did),” by Philippa Perry; “Raising Good Humans,” by Hunter Clarke-Fields, and “Trauma-Sensitive Parenting,” by Jennifer Alushan.
No book has all the answers. Parenting is often about making spot decisions. Trust yourself. I will paraphrase what I told you at graduation – You are strong enough to be a good parent. Be kind to yourself, too. No parent gets everything right, but you and your husband are determined to create a positive relationship with your child. You’ve got this. Remember, you are worthy, and so is your baby.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.