Relationships end for many reasons
Q. My mom and dad got a divorce. My mom made me go to a counselor to make sure I was okay. The counselor told me lots of kids blame themselves when their mom and dad split. She said I shouldn’t do that. Then I stayed with my dad and I told him what the counselor said. He told me, yeah, well in this case she’s right. My dad said he never wanted any kids and my mom tricked him into having me. Is that possible? I know how babies are made. Is it possible for a guy to not know he’s gonna be a dad? Is their divorce really my fault? – 12-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Relationships end for many reasons. The people may grow apart, or relationships may be unhealthy. Two people may think they are right for each other; they may even feel they are in love. Sadly, living together and sharing a life isn’t as easy as it sounds. Some challenges relationships may face are jealousy, disrespect, a lack of communication, or unfaithfulness.
Are you an Indiana Jones fan? I often use the chalice scene from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” to teach about choosing a healthy relationship partner. The knight tells Indy and the Nazi soldier to “choose wisely” when they select a chalice. The soldier drinks from the wrong chalice and melts. The knight calmly says, “He did not choose wisely.”
In life, unlike in the movies, consequences don’t usually happen right away – in other words, if a person selects the wrong partner, they do not melt, but, over time, they realize the relationship isn’t going to work. In such a situation, most adults feel it is better to move on.
Divorce can be difficult for young people. Your mom is wise to send you to talk with a counselor. Opening up about how you feel can ease your stress. Bottling up your anger or sorrow will only make it grow deeper.
You ask how a man could not know if he’s going to be a dad. I hope you like biology – because we’re going to talk about some really cool biology (at least, I think it’s cool).
Pregnancy can only happen when the woman ovulates or releases an egg. There are usually no physical signs of ovulation, although a small number of women say they feel some cramping. Most women keep track of their menstrual cycles and have a “guesstimate” of the days when they will ovulate (and have the possibility of pregnancy). Not all women figure it out, and not all will share possible ovulation information with a male partner. In my opinion, a partner should be involved in planning pregnancies and communicating his wishes. Having a baby and becoming a parent is a lifelong commitment. I believe the decision to have a baby is one that should be made by both partners.
It’s possible your dad is upset with your mom for reasons that have nothing to do with you. He may use words with you that he knows will hurt her.
No matter your mom and dad’s choices, you are worthy. Your life matters. I’m glad you’re here! Your life is yours and is a gift. Make friends, get involved in school, play sports, enjoy time with your family and communicate with both your parents how you’re happy to be their kid.
I wish you joy and peace and healthy relationships, with your parents, with your friends and schoolmates, with your teachers and coaches, and with future partners.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.