May 23, 2024 4 min read

Last week’s column on miscarriage inspired responses. Here are two of the most poignant. A popular meme asks people to be kind because one never knows what another person is carrying. Losing a pregnancy is one example of an invisible grief/loss.

A perinatal loss includes an early pregnancy loss (less than 20 weeks gestation) and a stillbirth (defined as a loss at greater than 20 weeks). Neonatal loss is the loss of a newborn through the first 28 days of life. Be kind.

Q. Thank you for your column on miscarriage. My own family didn’t offer me much comfort when I lost my pregnancy, although my husband did. I was an adult, not a teen, but many people seemed to minimize the loss, as if I couldn’t grieve a baby I never held. It was very hard. I still feel sad whenever I think about the ages of the child that baby would have been over the years. I get quiet when I think about it, and I wonder if my husband connects my silence with grief. It felt good to have my feelings validated in your column. – Agree with “still hurting”

Mary Jo’s Response: Your feelings are real and should be respected. I’m glad your husband offered comfort during your loss. When you feel sad, please communicate with him, even if only to share the reason for your silence. In a healthy relationship, partners not only share joy, but they also support one another during challenges. Your feelings when reminded of your loss are powerful; it is easier to be sad when not alone. Give him a chance to understand. I wish you peace and joy.

Q. After I read your column, a strong memory hit me. My grandmother was a sweet woman who nurtured everyone. My mom and my aunt were her only children – she loved them with her whole self. I was a young hospice nurse when she got sick, so when Grandma entered the last phase of her life, I was honored to help with her care. One night I sat by her side as she dozed. She woke suddenly and whispered to me, “I am so excited to finally hold my sweet son.”

Later I asked my mom and she shared that her father told her they had a stillborn baby boy before their daughters. If that boy had lived, he would have been close to 60 when my grandmother died. The thought that she held this grief and did not share it or seek help all those years was overwhelming to me. My mom said women had little support for birth in those days and Grandma was never even allowed to see the baby. As a seasoned hospice nurse, I often help people grieve. How sad that my grandma had to bear this grief alone all those years.

Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you for sharing. I’ve had the honor of serving as both a birth doula and a hospice nurse. There are similar skills involved in both professions – for example, while assisting birth and while providing support during death, holding space is key. To offer the gift of one’s presence, even in silence, is a wonderful way to support others.

I know women of your grandmother’s era had very little education about their own bodies. Pregnancy wasn’t talked about in public and women were given few choices for birthing.

I’m not surprised your grandmother remembered and mourned her baby. I’m glad she felt at peace in your presence and could share at the end of her life. Thank you for your hospice work. It is a gift to us all.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.